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DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS. 

Price IS Cents Each, Postpaid. Catalogue Free. 



All that Glitters ie not Gold, com- 
edy, 2 acts, 2 lira 6 3 

All Expenses, Etbiopian, 10 niin. 2 

Assessor, Bketch, 15 uiin 3 2 

liabes iu Wood, Durle6que,'25 mln 4 3 

Borrowinj; Trouble, farce, 30 niin 3 5 

Bad Job, farce, 30 mln 3 2 

Bumble's Courtship, sketch, 18 m. 1 1 

iiardell vs. Pickwick, farce, 25 m. 6 2 
Back from Californy, Ethiopian, 

12min 3 

Caste, comedy, 3 acts^ 2 hrs. 30 m. 5 3 
Cow that Kicked Chicago, farce, 

20 min 3 2 

Couutry JuBlice, farce, 15 min 8 

Circumlocution Office, '20 niin 6 

Chimney Corner (or Grandfather's 
Mistake), drama, 2 acts, 1 hr. 

80 min 5 2 

Danger Signal, drama, 2 acts, 2 hrs 7 4 

Desperate Situation, farce, 25 min 2 3 

Deafin a Horn, Ethiopian, 8 min. 2 

East Lvnne, drama, 5 acts, 2 hrs. 8 7 

Family Strike, farce, 20 min 8 3 

Fruits of Wine Cup, Temperance 

drama, 3 acts, 1 hr 6 4 

Friendly Move, sketch, 20 min... 5 

Pimnygraph, Ethiopian, 12 min.. 6 

Home, comedy, 3 acts, 2 hrs 4 3 

Handy Andy, Ethiopian. 12 mln.. 2 

Haunted House, Ethiopian, 8 min. 5 

Homoeopathy, farce, 30 min 5 3 

Hans Von Smash, farce, 30 min.. 4 3 

Hard Cider, Temperance, 15 min. 4 2 

Initiating a Granger, farce, 25 m. 8 

In the Dark, farce, 25 min 4 2 

In the Wrong House, farce, 30 m. 4 2 

Irish Linen Peddler, farce, 40 min 3 3 

IB the Editor In, farce, 20 min 4 2 

I'll Stay Awhile, farce, 20 min.... 4 

Tci on Parle Francais, farce, 40 m. 4 3 

I'm not Mesilf at All, farce, 25 m. 3 2 

John Smith, farce, 80 min 5 8 

Joke on Squinim, Ethiop. 25 min. 4 2 

Jumbo Jum, farce, 50 min 4 3 

Kansas Immigrants, farce, 80 m.. 5 1 

Kiss in the Dark, farce, 30 min. . . 2 3 
Louva the Pauper, drama, 5 acts, 

1 hr. 45 min 9 4 

Larkins'LoveLetters.farce, 50 m. 3 2 
Lady of Lyons, drama, 5 acts, 8 

hrs. 30min 8 4 

Limerick Boy, farce, 30 min 5 2 

Lost in London, drama, 3 acts, 1 ^ 

hr. 45 min 6 3 

London Assurance, comedy, 5 acts, 

2hrs.30min ..9 3 

Lucy's Old Man, sketch, 15 min.. 2 3 
Michael Erie, drama, 2 acts, 1 hr. 

30min 8 3 

Mike Donovan's Courtship, com- 
edietta, 2 acts, 15 min 1 3 

Movement Cure, farce, 15 min 5 

Mrs. Gamp's Tea, sketch, 15 min. 2 

MischievonsNigger, farce, 20min. 4 2 

My Wife's Relations, comedy, 1 hr 4 6 

My Jeremiah, farce, 20 min 8 2 

My Turn Next, farce, 50 min 4 3 

My Keighbor's Wife, farce, 45 m. 3 3 



H. r. 
Not Such a Fool as he Looks, com- 
edy, 3 acts, 2 hrs 5 8 

No Cure No Pay, Ethiopian, 10m. 3 1 
Only Daughter, drama, 3 acts, 1 

hr. 15min 6 3 

Our Country, drama, 3 acts, 1 hr..lO I 
Odds with the Enemy, drama, 5 

acts, 2 hrs 1 4 

On the Brink, Temperance drama, 

2 acts, 2 hrs 13 8 

Othello and Desdemona, Ethio- 
pian, 12 min 2 

Pet of Parsons' Ranch, frontier 

drama, 5 acts, 2 hrs 9 8 

Pets of Society, farce, 30 min 7 

Pull Back, farce, 20 min 

Pocahontas, raueic'l b'rlesque, 1 h.lO S 

Parlor Entertainment, 25 mln... 2 6 

Played and Lost, sketch, 15 min. . 3 8 

Persecuted Dutchman, 35 min 6 8 

Quiet Family, farce, 45 min 4 4 

Quar'some Servants, Ethiop 8 mln 3 

Regular Fix, farce, 50 min 6 4 

Rough Diamond, farce, 40 min. . . 4 8 
Solon Shingle, comedy, 2 acts, 1 

hr. 30min 7 2 

Soldier of Fortune, comedy, 5 

acts, 2 hrs. 20 mln 8 8 

Seth Greenback, drama, 4 acts, 1 

hr. 15 min 7 3 

School Ma'am(The), drama, 4 acts, 

1 hr. 45 mm 6 6 

Stage Struck Darkey, 10 min. ... 2 1 
Stocks Up, Stocks Down, Ethio- 
pian, 8 mln 8 

Sports on a Lark, Ethiopian, 8 m. 3 

Snam Doctor, Ethiopian, 15 min. 4 3 
Slasher and Crasher, farce, 1 hr. 

15 min 6 2 

Squeers' School, sketch, 18 mln.. 4 3 
Sparkling Cup, Temperance 

drama, 6 acts, 2 hrs IS 4 

Too Much of a Good Thing, farce, 

60mln 3 6 

Two Gents In Fix, farce, 20 min 9 

Two Puddifoots, farce, 40 min ... 3 8 

Two Pompeys, Ethiopian, 8 min. 4 

Tricks, Ethiopian farce, 15 mln.. B 3 
Ticket of Leave Man, drama, 4 

acts, 2 hrs. 45 min 8 3 

Turn Him Out, farce, 50 min 3 8 

Toodles, drama, 2 acts, 1 hr 15 m. 6 2 
Ten Nights in a Bar Boom, Tem- 
perance drama, 5 acts, 2 hrs. .11 B 
Two Ghosts in White, sketch, 25 m 8 
Under the Laurels, drama, 5 acts, 

Ihr. 45min 5 4 

Unhappy Pair. Ethiopian. 10 min. 8 

Uncle Jeflf, Ethiopian farce, 25 m. 5 2 
Wanted a Correspondent, farce, 2 

acts, 1 hr 4 4 

Wide Enough forTwo, farce 50m. 5 2 

Which will be Marry, farce, 30 m. 2 8 
Won at Last, comedy, 8 acts, 1 hr. 

45 min 7 3 

Women of Lowenburg, Historical 

Sketch, 5 scenes, 50 min.. .. 10 10 
Yankee Detective, drama, 3 acts, 

2hr9 8 8 



t*. 8/DENISON, Publisher, 163 Randolph St., Chicago. 



JEDEDIAH JUDKINSJ.P. 



A DRAMA in FOUR ACTS 



BY 



/ 

WARREN J. BRIER, 

AUTHOR OF ''A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE," ETC. 



i\ 




CHICAGO : 
T. S. DENISON, Publisher. 

163 Randolph Street. 
Copyright, 1S8S, by T. S. Denison. 



JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 

T543r 



CHARACTERS. . 



. .Zq3s 



?3^ 



Jedediah J . JuDKiNS, Justice of the Peace. 

John Craincross, a Tradesman. 

Herbert Craincross, John's Son, an Engraver. 

Reginald Windum, Senior Partner in the Firm of Windum 

& Tick, Jewelers. 
George Prentiss, a Detective. 
Horatio De Camp, a Crook. 
Buck Hardin, the Other One of the Pair. 
A Policeman. 

An Officer at Police Station. 
Mrs. Craincross, John's Wife. 
Bernice Craincross, the Daughter. 
Esther Goldfair, John's Ward. 
Miss Bobbin, Nobody Knows What. 
Sally Sands, a Silly Servant to the Craincrosses. 

[May be conveniently performed by eight or ten persons.] 

COSTUMES. 

Ages. — Jed., 55. John, 50. Herb., 25. Windum, 40. 
Prentiss, 25. De C, 20. Hardin, 25. Mrs. C, 45. Ber., 
20. Esther, 18. Miss B., 35. Sally, 25. 

[Much of the dress is that of city people in moderate 
circumstances.] 
Jedediah, a substantial farmer suit, somewhat bald, iron-gray 

wig, long gray chin whiskers. In last scene more dressy, 

white high hat, etc. In miner cabin scene, greasy brown 

duck overalls and hunting shirt. 
Windum, very well dressed, silk hat, abundance of jewelry. 
Prentiss, plainly dressed as a book agent; over-dressed as an 

English swell; red wig and beard as an Irishman. 
Miss Bobbin, overdressed. 
Sally, as a servant. 

TMP92-0087CC 



JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 3 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means the actor's right as he faces the audience. L,, 
left. C, center R. C, right of center, L. C, left of center. 
D. F., door in flat, running across stage at back, i E., first 
entrance. 2 E., second entrance. U. E. upper entrance, i, 
2, or 3 G., first, second or third groove. 

NOTES. 

If a stuffed parrot cannot be obtained, one can be made of 
brilliantly colored cloth. 

Shooting the bottle out of the hand can be so skillfully done 
that the audience may be deceived into thinking a bullet is 
really fired. Take a bottle of colored glass (so no liquid need 
be used) of proper size and shape, and with a diamond or glass 
cutter cut off the long neck, being careful to break no pieces 
from the edges. Fasten with plaster Paris a stick a little 
longer than the bottle into the bottom, and let it pass up 
through the neck, making it fit so tightly that it will hold the 
two pieces together. The instant the shot is fired at the bot- 
tle, the bottom part is pushed off by the thumb of the person 
holding it, and falls to the floor. A lamp chimney shattered 
behind the scene at the time gives the necessary crash. In 
short, there is nothing in this play that cannot be easily pre- 
sented by any stage manager possessed of a little ingenuity. 

Time of representation, about two hours. 

ACTS AND SCENES. 

Act I. The Home of John Craincross, 
Act II. The same. 

Act III. Scene i. A street in the city at daylight. [May 
be omitted.] 

Scene 2. Police station. 

Scejie 3. Same as Act i. 
Act IV. [Eighteen months after preceding.] 

Scene 1, Miner's Cabin in Mountains. 

Scene 2. Same as Act I. 



4 JRDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 

SYNOPSIS FOR PROGRAMME. 

Act I. Jedediah, a Hoosier farmer, comes to the city as a 
delegate to a convention. Takes up his abode with the Crain- 
crosses. News of the robbery of Windum & Tick's jewelry 
store. Herbert, the engraver, suspected. DeCamp gets the 
lay of the land, and Hardin visits the house of the Craincrosses 
uninvited. The American eagle meets the British lion. 

Act H. Prentiss, as a book agent, displays some skill in 
the use of the English language. Jedediah signs a doubtful 
petition. Herbert arrested for forgery and burglary. " 'Tis a 
foul conspiracy I am innocent." 

Act in. In the police station. Two upon one, and he 
handcuffed. Jedediah, in spite of his position, lends a hand. 
"The keeper shot? A new accusation against me! I cannot 
face it." A scene in the home of the Craincrosses wherein 
several individuals talk, including Windum and the parrot. 

Act. IV. In a miner's cabin. Familiar characters in unfa- 
miliar dress. Crackey makes a crack shot. " The Redskins! 
The Redskins!" "I'm done for! I must see him before I 
die!" At the home of the Craincrosses. The return. Happy 
termination. 



Every amateur actor would do well to read and be guided by M. Coque- 
lin's hints concerning the use of the eye, and the evil results of allowing 
one's look to become "inexpressive, wandering, disinterested in what is 
being said or done" on the stage. See "Acting and Actors," Harpers 
Magazine, April, 1888. 



JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 



ACT I. 

SCENE. — Sitiing room in home of J^ohn Craincross. Table 
near C. with newspaper upon it. Sofa or settee R. Rocker L. 
Chairs R. and L. of center table. Setuing machine at back. 
Door in flat. Gas jet or iviitatioti at back. Esther partly 
facing audience^ running machine, and Mrs. Craincross in 
rocker when curtain rises. 

Esther. {^Stopping machine)^ Did you notice anything 
strange in Herbert's conduct this morning, Mrs. Craincross ? 

Mrs. Craincross. {Startled.) Yes, I did. {Looking over 
glasses.) It has haunted me all day. I have tried to make my- 
self think it a foolish fancy. Your question confirms my 
impression. 

Esther. When I asked him to pass the bread he gave me 
the salt ; put pepper in his coffee and sugar on his potato, and 
on the Vi^hole acted very strangely. 

Mrs. C. I can't account for it. {Sighing.) I never saw 
him in such a state before. 

Esther. He usually gives such perfect attention to every 
detail. 

Mrs. C. And is never at all absent minded. 

Esther. Could anything have gone wrong at the store ? 

Mrs. C. It's not likely. Nothing could shake Windum & 
Tick's confidence in hnn. \^Pronounce Windum with long 
sound of i^ {Sighs. Both look greatly troubled.) 

5 



6 jedediah judkins, j. p. 

Enter John D. F. 

John, (/// good spirits.) Ay-day ! Wet's the matter 'ere ? 
{Looking from one to the other.) Ye're lookin' as solemn as two 
howls, 'As the hoven got too 'ot and burnt the bread, or 'ave 
ye broke a needle or dropped a stitch ? [Sits at table and takes 
up the paper.) Ye women do so give yersels hup to 'untin' fer 
camels o' trouble an then chasen 'em through a needle's hi o' 
consolation. i^Reads paper.) 

Mrs. C. We hope we'll not be able to find any great trouble 
if we do hunt for it. Trouble enough will come to us if we let 
it alone. 

John. [Springing to his feet.) Wife, 'av ye seen the paper? 

Mrs. C. [Alarmed.) What's the matter, John ? You're as 
pale as a ghost. 

Esther. [Coming quickly down?) What is it, Guardy.'' 
(John hands paper to Esther and points to heading. Esther 
reads.) *' Bold burglary ! Windum & Tick, jewelers, relieved of 
$10,000 worth of valuables. Their check forged in the amount 
of $5,000 and cashed at Merchants' Mutual Exchange Bank ! 
Perfect imitation of their signatures ! Suspicion points toward 
their engraver." (John sinks into chair.) 

Mrs. C. Not our Herbert ! Net our honest boy ! [Sits on 
sofa overcome with grief?) 

John. [Growing cooler.) Hit must mean 'Erbert, but hit's 
a lie, a cruel malicious lie from hend to hend. The heditors 
of that paper must take hit back or hi'll cram hit down their 
libelous maws. Hi'll make 'em heat the 'ole hedition. 

Esther. [Standing behind him and smoothing his hair?) 
There, there, Guardy, don't allow yourself to be so much ex- 
cited. No doubt it's all a mistake. It will all come out right, 
never fear. 

Mrs. C. My poor boy, my poor boy. 

John. 'E's the soul of honor, hand would sooner 'ave 'is 
and cut hoff than to knock down a penny, to say nothing hof 
forgin' people's names. 



JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 7 

Mrs. C. I'm going to find my boy and tell him of this hor- 
rible accusation. It will be a cruel blow to him, but he should 
know it at once. 

John. Never fear, wife. 'E'll know hit soon enough. 
Never wags a hidle gossipin' tongue or falls a scandalous 
word habout ye but some kind, hidiotic friend bears hit to ye 
hand plays hit in yer hears with hextrahordinary wariations. 

Esther. That's true, Mr. Craincross. Besides, he proba- 
bly knows it by this time. [Goes up and sits at machine.) 

Enter Sally, Z. 2 E., followed by Jedediah Judkins car- 
pet bag in each hand, umbrella under one arm and cane under 
other. Very warm from walking. Behind him Hora- 
tio De Camp ivith ivheelbarrow, on which is a very 
large trunk. (// no trunk large enough can 
be found, make one of a dry goods box.) 

Sally. Here's a gentleman caller wot has come to call on 
yu. (^Titters, makes a courtesy and backs off R}) 

Mrs. C. Why, brother Jed. as I live. How you have sur- 
prised us. 

Jed. Howdy ! Howdy ! How are all ? yBusiness of hand 
shaking with John, kissing Mrs. C, and usual salutations.) 
Laws ! How sorter solemn ye look ! Anybody dead in the 
house ? (De C. lifts trunk off wheelbarrow, and stands it on 
end.) 

Mrs. C. No, oh no. 

Jed. {^Seeing position of trunk, to De C.) Gewhillicky, man, 
that'll never do. Never leave a trunk of mine standin' on end. 
They aint made to stand so. {To others.) One of them reck- 
less varmints on the keers stood it up thataway, but I got so 
hoppin' mad that he dropped it. I 'low young man you'll have 
to pay me about twenty-seven cents damages. ( Winking at 
John.) 

De C. Not much ye bloomin' duffer, specially when ye 
warn't to give but twenty-five cents fer the whole job. 



8 JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 

Jed. Then you'll owe me two cents — call it five to make 
even change. I ort ter fine ye four bits fer bein' so onrespect- 
ful to one in my position. 

De C. {Appealing to John.) Hear that, guvner. Talk 
about tight as the bark on a tree ; bark on a tree is way off as 
compared with a duffer as is as close as this un. Come now, 
fork over, or I'll yell fer the copper. 

Jed. None of yer sass. Ye wont hef ter yell fer the brass, 
if ye do yell fer the copper. Yankin' people's trunks round in 
that style and standin' 'em on end ! Trunks of people in my 
position, too. Justice of the Peace. What might yer name 
be, young man ? 

De C. It might be His Excellency, John L. Sullivan, K. D. 
G. W. M., knock down the gillies with his mouth, but it aint, 
it's just plain Gustavus Orlando Horatio De Camp. (Aside.) 
Wonder if he'll strangle on that ! 

Jed. Laws ! Ye don't say so ! [Shivly.) Was ye born 
with it er — er did it kinder come on ye by degrees ? Be keerful 
not ter drap it, ye might get it tangled round yer feet, tumble 
down and break yer neck. ( Thrusting hand deep into poeket 
and bi-inging out a handful of coin.) Laws, I haint no spirits 
ter beat down the charges of an unfortunit feller who has ter 
be indicted by sich a name as thet. Mine's bad enough. 
Here's yer money. Horatio, decamp. 

De C. ( Takes money.) Ta, ta. Hayseed. Put yer precious 
trunk in a safe over night. Some calf might break into the 
house and chew the handles offen it. 

Jed. I think I jest now heerd him blat. (De C. gives trimk 
a vicious kick and exits hastily D. F.) 

Esther. {Coming do^vn^ I presume you don't know me, 
Mr. Judkins, but I once visited you at your home in Posey. 

Jed. {Shaking her hand heartily.) I'll be jiggered if it aint 
John's ward, little Esther Goldfair ! I'm tickled ter death ter 
see yer. How yer have growed ! Blossomed right out like a 
mornin'-glory in a pertater patch. Aint married yit ? (Esther 



JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 9 

shakes her head eniphaticaUy?) Wall, wall, they haint got no 
eye fer beauty in these diggin's, no how. Come down to Posey 
an the boys will gather round yer thicker'n bumble bees in a 
clover lot. 

Mrs. C. Esther doesn't trouble herself much about the 
men, Jedediah. She's a quiet home body. 

Esther. I don't have time for them, you know. 

Jed. [Sli/y.) Some day ye'll hev gobs uv time fer 'em. 

John. They hall av time enough wen the right man 'appens 
round ; but so far Hester 'as hignored the men. But bless me, 
Jedediah, 'ow did you 'appen to leave the farm and come to 
the city ? 

Jed. [Proudly.) Delegate, delegate from Posey. 

Mrs. C. Delegate to what ? 

Jed. Ter the anty-Mormon convention. Lor, ye've heerd 
uv it uv course. Haint ye bin called upon ter board none uv 
the delegates ? 

Mrs. C. [Smiling.) No, Jedediah, we haven't heard of it 
and haven't been asked to board the delegates. That isn't one 
of the city ways. 

Jed. You don't say so ! Wonder how the delegates gits 
along if they haint no relatives in the city. There's ter be a 
powerful sight uv 'em here. 

Esther. I presume they go to the hotels. 

Jed. Laws but that ud cost 'em a heap of money. Like 
enough hef ter pay six bits a day at a good hotel. 

John. [Smiling.) They pay has 'igh has five dollars a day 
hat the Palmer. 

Jed. [Gasping and clutching his pocket?^ Oh Lord ! oh 
Lord ! What air ye comin' to ? But I 'low that's fer only the 
upper rooms and only the Croesuses feels able ter take 'em. 

John. [Chuckling.) Hupper rooms ! Well, Jedediah, hi'U 
'ave to show you some hov the hups and downs hov city life 
before you go back to Posey. But didn't hit seem strange ter 
leave your 'umble 'ome and take the cars for the great city ? 



lO JEDEDIAH JUDKIXS, J. P. 

Jed. Lor no. I jest stepped onto the keers as big as life 
and never said a word ter nobody, more'n as if I had rid on 
'em a thousand times. Didn't bob out but once afore they 
started, nuther. That war when I see a feller wheelin' my 
trunk right along past the keer I was in. When 1 yelled at 
'im and told 'im ter heave it on whar I was, a feller standin' 
by told me thar was another keer fer the luggage. I told 'im 
he might call me as many names as he liked, and I wouldn't 
whoUip him, fer I was a justice of the peace. Howsumdever, 
I give 'im ter understand I'd prevent that feller from runnin' 
off with my trunk. He arterward explained what he meant, 
an* I offered 'im a chaw of terbacker. 

Esther. They don't travel in the manner they did when 
you were young. 

Jed. Lor no, these keers an' telegraphs an' sich has made 
people powerful extravegant. A young feller came a rippin' 
through the keers givin' out right an' left two or three walnut 
meats, jest as if he was conferrin' a great favor. "Wot's the 
damage ?" sez L " Nothink," sez he. " You're a philanther- 
pist," sez L "You're another," sez he, real mad like, and 
passed on. 

John. Did hit to wet your happetite. 

Jed. It didn't work. When he tried arterwards ter git 
fifteen cents oughten me fer a thimble full uv 'em, I riz right 
up and sez I, " Wot ye take me fer ? I don't own no teler- 
phone plant, no not even a modest gold mine," sez I. " I aint 
Jay Gould," sez I, " I'm Jedediah Jackson Judkinsfrom Posey, 
goin' inter the city as a delegate, an' ter visit my sister, Mary 
Jane." "You're a daisy," sez he, an' left me. 

John. Hin Hengland they don't hallow himpertinence hin 
public hofficers. 

Jed. 'Nother stravigant feller got blame mad cause I wanted 
ter go snucks with him in buyin' a daily paper. 

Esther. Was the ride agreeable? 

Jed. Would a bin ef it hadn't bin fer a sick ooman on the 
train. Dyin' uv consumption. 



JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. II 

Mrs. C. How I pity any one who has to travel while sick ! 
{Exits i?.) 

John. Comin' hinto the city to try to get elp, mayap. 

Jed. She needed it in more ways than one. Pore as Job's 
turkey, in flesh an' purse. Et the lunch an ornery old coot 
bought fer her as if she hadn't had nothink ter eat since the 
war. I seen the old fool slip ten dollars inter her hand, an' 
then she broke down entirely. 

Esther. Noble man ! Who was he ? 

J-ED. I didn't go through the keers askin' folks thar names. 
They'd uv thought I'd never traveled. 

Esther. Thou art the man ! 

Jed. Oh shucks ! I don't make money fast enough fer 
that. • 

John. Hi can see hit hin yer hi. {Re-enter Mrs. C. remain- 
ing itp.) 

Jed. Lor, lor, how peart you city folks do grow. They's 
no denyin' I hev been full uv sympathy fer the pore thing all 
day, but I haint so full uv sympathy that thar's no room left 
fer supper. 

Mrs. C. I've been waiting to get in a word edgewise. 

Jed. Ef the word's supper, Mary Jane, now's yer time. 

Mrs. C. The word is supper. Walk right out this way. 

John. You'll hexcuse me, Jedediah. Hi hate my supper 
down town. 

Jed. Well, I'll be jiggered ef I hate my supper either down 
town or up town. {Exits R. with Mrs. C. after hastily inspect- 
ing his trimk to learn that it is not injured.') 

John. Strange man, that Jedediah. ! 

Esther. A rough diamond, I think. 

Enter Z. Miss Bobbin. Talks very rapidly, in a high key. 

Bob, Have you heard the news? I've just been over to 
Mrs, Bings' where a few of us were having a quiet chat, and 
they say that the firm of Winduni & Tick has been robbed by 



12 JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 

one of the clerks, who forged a check on the bank. I don't 
pretend to know how much truth there is in it, but that is what 
they say. 

John. {S/iarpIy.) Madam, 'ell aint 'ot enough for them as 
goes about dammin' honest names hunder the dirty, rotten 
cloak of " They Say." 

Bob, I think so, too, and if everybody would be careful^ 
as I said to them they ought to be, not to repeat it as it would 
be dreadful for Mrs. Tick in case it turned out a false rumor. 

Est. [Asto/iis/ied.) Mrs. Tick! 

Bob. Yes, they say she has eloped with the clerk who bur- 
glarized the store. 

John. Helopedl Holy brother of Haron! She's been dead 
five years. 

Bob. You don't say so! \Vell, then, it must have been Mrs. 
Windum. 

John. Worse yet. There never was any Mrs. Windum. 
Windum's han hold bach. (Bob. holds up her hands in aston- 
ishtnejit.) 

Esther. [Aside to John.) Perhaps it's all as false as this 
part of it, 

John. Ho Lord, hif hit honlyhis hi'll be 'appy! 

Bob. I'm sorry for Mr. Windum. I haven't the pleasure of 
his acquaintance, but I know he must be a good man he bows 
his head so devoutly when he enters the church; besides he is 
so friendly to our clergyman since his troubles began. 

John, Whose troubles? 

Bob. Mr. Babcock, the clergyman's, of course. Haven't 
you heard the sensation, about how that young and indiscreet 
wife of his — 

John. No, I 'aven't 'eard [profioutice urd) and you'll hex- 
cuse me if hi say that I don't want to 'ear. {Aside.) Hov hall 
the crimes hin the calendar the crime hov bein' young his the 
most houtrageous to them has haint so young. {Footsteps 
outside) 



JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 13 

Esther. Herbert is coming, Mr. Craincross. I hear his 
step on the walk. (John walks about nervously.) 

Bob. (Aside.) Now why should she know his step? Setting 
her cap for him, I'll warrant. How silly these girls are! I 
actually knew one of the little idiots to become infatuated with 
the chunk of wood to which her boat was fastened simply be- 
cause it's called a buoy (boy). (Exit with nose in air.) 

Enter Herbert D. F. 

Herbert. Wh}^, Esther dear, how pale you look. Has 
anything unpleasant happened? [Takes one of her hands in 
both of his, conies down to C. and stands between her and John.) 

Esther. No, not to us. 

John. (Fondly and anxiously.) Hare you hall right, 
'Erbert? 

Herb. (Laughing.) Certainly, father; why shouldn't I be? 
Don't I look all right? 

John. You look 'arty enough. 

Herb. I'm hearty and hungry both. I've been on the road 
out of town all day and didn't get any dinner. 

John. (Aside.) Then 'e 'asn't 'eard. 

Esther. Come right out to tea. (Both exit R.) 

Hardin puts head in D. F. as ] oh'h follozus them out. 

John. (Ashe exits.) 'Ow shall we tell 'im, seein' 'e 'asn't 
'eard. 

Hardin. (Mocking.) 'E 'asn't 'eard, eh? Well, I hope /'// 
not be 'eard; but this is a ticklish job. Wonder if the old cove 
keeps his swag in this box. If De Camp has fooled me I'll 
smash his smeller. ( Takes out keys, opens trunk and pulls over 
the few articles it contains.' Sally's loud laugh heard. Hardin 
jumps into trunk and pulls down lid.) 

Enter Sally R. still laughing. Takes seat on trimk. 

Sally. He, he, he, the funny old chicken! Chucked me 
right under the chin when he sot at table. Ha, ha, ha, he, he» 



14 JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 

he, ho, ho, ho. {Chews gum vigorously, then takes it out and 
stretches it.) This is the sweetest gum I ever chawed. But if 
I'm to be a actoress I must act. How glad I'll be when I go 
on the stage. [Drops on her knees down L. Trimk lid slightly 
lifted.) 

Hardin. [Aside.) She might get a job on the stage to 
scrub it. 

Sally. [Tragically.) "Me Lawd, have pity! I'm but a 
poor defenceless geurl! " 

Hardin. [Aside.) Her looks are her safeguard. 

Sally. "This hand is pledged to another." 

Hardin. [Aside.) Name must be Fish, or he wouldn't 
want such a fin as that. 

Sally. " I am his, heart, body and soul." 

Hardin. [Aside.) And gum. 

Sally. [Jumping up, the trunk lid closing.) I snum, some- 
body said ( Very loudly) gum. [ Goes cautiously to trunk and 
listens. Seems alarmed.) Oh, my! wonder if the tender old 
chicken haint got a calf in there. Mebby it's ghosts. [Clat- 
ters off L. Hardin sticks out his head.) 

Hardin. Guess this is my time [sees Esther coming at R.) 

to lay low. [Drops lid, but lifts it occasionally during the 

following.) 

Esther enters R. 

Esther. He's so cheerful and seems so happy, I'm sure 

he knows nothing of what the papers contain. But why need 

I be so worried about it? He'll prove his innocence in case any 

accusation is made. 

Enter Herbert R. 

Herbert. One word with you, Esther, before the others 
come in. Why do you not confide in me and tell me the cause 
of this trouble? 

Esther. [Gently but firmly.) Not to-night, Herbert, not 
to-night. Perhaps to-morrow I may be able to look upon it 
as the evanescence of a dream. 



JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 15 

Herb. You know it is for the best or you would not hesi- 
tate to give me your entire confidence. I trust you fully. I 
only thought the trouble might be halved by sharing it, 

Esther. On the contrary, it would be doubled. 

Enter Jed R. unseen by them. 

Jed. {Aside.) In love! I'll bet a boss. {Direct.) Ahem! 
Ahem! (Herbert atid Esther suddenly find business at oppo- 
site sides of the room. ) 

Esther. Oh, is that you, Mr. Judkins? Herbert, don't you 
know your own uncle? 

Herb. I didn't recognize him at first. {They shake hands.) 

Jed. An' is this little Herby? Laws, but you've growed too! 
Wern't knee high to a saw hoss when you was down to Posey. 
I 'low yer don't remember it, but yer had gobs of fun down 
thar. 

Herb. Oh, yes ; I remember it well. 

Mrs. C. {Who has entered at R.) Come, Herbert, or your 
supper will not be worth the eating. 

Herb. Coming, mother. {To Jed.) Excuse me a few 
moments. {Exit R.) 

Jed. Fine young feller. Little bit on the wire edge as a 
feller is apt ter be when he's head over heels in love with a 
good lookin' gal. 

Esther. Why, Mr, Judkins ! How can you ? 

Jed. Oh, I can. Tell it at sight every tune same as eresip- 
las. It's about the same wharever you find it. But laws ! it's 
nothink ter be ashamed uv. Perfectly nateral. Nateral as the 
spontaneous gush o' nateral gas. No use ter try ter smawther 
it. It won't be smawthered. 

Esther. Well, I don't know that I try to smother it. Why 
should I ? I've lived under the same roof with Herbert for 
four years, ever since my father died, and I know him to be 
noble and good, a manly man of whose love any girl might 
feel proud. 



l6 JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 

Jed. Hooray I It gushes spontaneously. Let it gush ! 
No corks nor stoppers need apply. What says the rhymster? 

When Cupid draws his silent bow, 

Ter pierce the heart of lad and lass, 
When love's bright flame begins ter glow 

So bright they do not need the gas. 
When at the mention of his name 

Her modest cheek begins ter blush, 
When two begin this gushin' game, 

Take my advice — jest let 'em gush. 

A city feller that came ter my place writ that in one arter- 
noon fer me ter recite at a spellin' school, the time the tornader 
visited us. Tell ye, it brought down the house ! 

Esther. The recitation ? 

Jed. Naw! The tornader. 

Enter Miss Bobbin L. 

Esther. Miss Bobbin, allow me to make you acquainted 
with Mr, Judkins from Posey. 

Jed. I hope I see you well, madam. 

Bob. Oh, very well, thank you. I'm one of those fortu- 
nate people who are always well. 

Jed. So am I. Regular doctor starver, I am. I'm that 
healthy that the life insurance agents run arter me like a flock 
o* turkeys arter a grasshopper. I'm so loaded down with 
health that I'm afeard it'll be the death o' me. Lay it all ter 
grantin' a divorce betwixt my well and my hog pens. 

Bob. Your first visit to the city, Mr. Judkins? (Esther 
exit R) 

Jed. Wal, yes, ter this city. Howsumdever, I've been a 
heap o' times ter Poseyville and mingled in the sersiety o' the 
county jedge, an' the sheriff, an' the coroner, but I aint stuck 
up about it. I'm a justice of the peace. Right smart place, 
Poseyville. 

Bob. Much style there? 



JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. I7 

Jed. Style? You bet a hossi They hev picket fences 
round thar dooryards, leastways next ter the big road, blinds 
on thar winders, a cupelow on thar town hall, an aristocratic 
green scum on thar millpond, and a mortgage on the church. 
Style! Laws, yer orter see 'em take up the collection. They 
aint a tonier performance nowhar than that o' Deacon Smith- 
ers an' Deacon Blifkin passin' the corn poppers 'round under 
people's noses. Till they got the poppers I allers let 'em have 
my hat, free. 

Boi',. {Gushingly?^ It must be perfectly too delightful out 
there in the country drinking in the pure air — 

Jed. {Smiling blandly.) Uh, huh! {The common inelegant 
way of giving assent instead of saying " Ves.") 

Bob. And listening entranced to the feathered songsters 
warbling their delightful airs. One could roll in the delights 
of Nature, so to speak. 

Jed. Many on 'em drink in suthin" stronger'n pure air, and 
as to the wobblin', most on it is done by featherless critters 
who hev imbibed too much tanglefoot. So far as rollin' in the 
delights uv natur are consarned, most on 'em don't roll that 
way. 

Bob. I suppose you have a large and valuable farm down 
there. 

Jed. (Aside.) I'll be dog on ef I don't believe she's up ter 
some gum game or another. (Direet.) Wal, yes. Miss, I've 
got a heap o' land and raise a power o' corn an' hogs. Inter- 
ested in corn an' hogs, Miss? 

Bob. Oh, yes, indeed. I'm interested in everything that 
develops our vast natural resources and helps to elevate us as 
a people. 

Jed. I der know as hog raisin' is specially elevatin', but 
corn juice sometimes is. 

Bob. I'm a philanthropist and a Christian Scientist, Mr. 
Judkins. I labor to elevate — in the best sense of that term — 
my fellow men. 



l8 JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 

Jed. {Asu/c\) Feller men! I thought she was a ooman. 

Bob. The world is ignorant, and man is depraved. A 
chosen band of us are laboring to distil into men's intellectual- 
ities the ethereal essence of ultimate and indisputable truth. 
The mind is everything, the body nothing. One experiences 
pain only in the imagination. 

Jed. Gewhitteky crickets! Ye don't say so! 

Bob. Yes, and more than that. {]y.v> slily pinches her arm.) 
Ouch! you horrid man! What do you mean by insulting an 
undesigning and defenceless woman? 

Jed. Laws, Miss, I didn't think ye'd feel it. Didn't know 
yer imagination was in yer elbow. I humbly beg pardon. 

Bob. Granted. But sir, I wanted to ask about the attitude 
of your people concerning birds. 

Jed. Birds? I don't seem able ter chaw yer fodder. 

Bob. What, sir? 

Jed. I don't seem ter jig ter yer music. 

Bob. Jig to my music! I haven't been making any music. 

Jed. Chin music, ye know. You ask about birds. Now, 
ef ye mean turkeys, I 'low my neighbors and myself favors 
'em. Ef ye mean the goose, I reckon she hangs high. Ef ye 
mean the crow, I km eat crow, but I don't hanker arter it. Ef 
ye mean the great American eagle, I'll bet a boss he's got the 
sinew to tar the eyes outen the British lion, an' pull off his 
mane ter make a duster ter sweep the cobwebs from the sky 
of this great e pluribus unuin, rara avis, no hash in the menu. 
Whoop! 

Bob. Mercy! How very enthusiastic you are, Mr. Judkins. 
You're just the person I've been wanting to talk with. You 
didn't understand me. My meaning is this: In many parts of 
the country, birds, pretty, harmless songsters, are being ruth- 
lessly destroyed by cruel sportsmen, with impunity — 

Jed. And a shotgun. 

Bob. Yes, and we are making petitions to the legislatures 
to pass stringent laws to stop this needless slaughter. Think 



JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. I9 

it over, kind sir, and perhaps you will be willing to lend your 
name and influence to suppress such an infamous practice. 

Jed. Wall, I'll think it over. 1 haint got nothin' agin the 
birds, nohow. 

Bob. Thank you. I know your kind heart will prompt you 
to aid us. Good-night. 

Jed. Good-night, madam. i^Exit Miss B. Jed sits facing 
audience. Holds head first on one side, and then on the other. 
Squints first one eye and then the other. Throws left leg over 
right, then right over left, in quick succession, and finally bursts 
into a loud laugh?) 

Jed. "Kind heart," how cute ! "Prompt yer ter aid us !" 
Oh, Lor ! [Spelling.) S-a-f-t, saft, s-o-d, sod, d-e-r der, saft 
sodder. Wot on yarth's the game ? [Bounds from his chair, 
a?id claps hand to his head.) That ideer struck hard. It's 
matrimony. [Collapses into chair.) That can't be. She don't 
know I'm a widderer. Religion ? Hardly, unless she thinks 
me a heathen as would pay well fer the privilege of being 
Christianized. Confidence ? Wall, I'll keep my eye on her. 
Ef I am green I low it aint the green scum o' stagnation. I 
low it's because I'm so young I aint had no time ter ripen. 

Haw ! Haw ! 

Enter John R. 

John. Wot, hall halone ? Hi thought the women folks 
were ere. 

Jed. They was one of em here. Miss Bobbin by name. 
High strung, eh, John ? 

John. Hi think she may be a little that way. She haint 
been 'ere but a short time, hand we don't know 'er gait. 

Jed. When ye find it out old man, ye'U find she'll beat the 
record. Way down ter two minits or I'm a sap bucket. What's 
her occupation ? 

John. She's some missionary society hagent Mary Jane 
picked hup to one hof 'er meetin's, an' hi guess she sorter fell 
bin love with Mary Jane, hevery body does ye know, she's so 



20 JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 

good an' kind like, hand we took 'er to board ha spell. But 
hit's late hand you're tired, so hi'U show ye to bed. {Motiomng 
off R. U. E.) Right hup them stairs. ( Jed. exits R. Enter 
Herb, at D. E.) 'Ere, 'Erbert, lend ha 'and hat this trunk. 
[They carry trunk off R.) 'Oly brother hov Haron, aint hit 
'evy ? Wonder hif 'e brought a sample steer with 'im. [Exit.) 

Enter Esther R. carrying a lighted lamp. Seems much 
disturbed. 

Esther. What shall I do ? If I do not tell him he will 
feel hurt, thinking I distrust him. If I do tell him, he will 
think I in some measure credit the rumor, or I would not think 
it of sufficient importance to merit any attention. 

Passes across stage and exits. Re-enter John and Herbert. 

Herb. Father, I'm obliged to go to the telegraph office 
and send a message concerning an order I took to-day. I'll 
be back in half an hour. 

John. Hall right, 'Erbert. Hi'll lie 'ere on the sofa huntil 
you get back. 

( Turns down gas. Lies down. Stage darkened. Exit Herb. 
L. U. E.) My 'ed his has 'evy has Jedediah's trunk. This 
trouble strikes me hall huv a 'eap. Mebby we're makin' ha 
mistake bin not speakin' of hit. But hi haint the 'art, hi haint 
the 'art. 

( The following business must be very rapid. Commotion out- 
side as of some one ruiming down stairs. John bounds up. 
Hardin rushes in R. U. E. John seizes him, but is thrown vio- 
lently back against the scenes by Hardin ivho darts out L. U. E. 
Jed. rushes in R. U E. in shirt sleeves. In darkness John thinks 
it the same man and rushes at him. They close and fight desper- 
ately. Rush in from various directions, Mrs. C, Miss B., 
Esther and Sally. Mrs. C. turns on the gas. Ejaculations 
of surprise, and the two men stand looking foolishly at each 
other.) 

Jed. Gewhittaker crickets ! This is scandalous fer a per 



JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. '21 

son in my position. I 'low the great American eagle sailed in 
on the British lion a leetle too soon that time ! 

John. Him thankful the Hamerican Heagle left the Brit- 
ish lion a 'air to 'is 'ead. 

Curtain — End of Act I. 



ACT II. 

Scene j'«?///^ rt:j' Ac r i. Next vwrning. Sewing macJiine may be 
left off. Sal/y discovered with doth around her head szaeep- 
ing vigorously as the curtain rises. 

Sally. Land of goodness, such a muss. {Titters.) I've 
hearn tell that when Greek meets Greek then comes the tug 
of war, and when Dutch meets Dutch, then comes the lager 
beer, but when the American Eagle meets the British Lion, 
there beent any words to tell wot happens. It's fun for the 
kitchen ladies anyhow, ha, ha, ha, he, he, he, ho, ho, ho. 
{Loud rapping at D. F.) 

(Sally opens door and in steps brisldy Mr. Prentiss.) 
P. Good-morning, madam, if you are married, Miss if 
you are not, beautiful winter weather; do you bake, brew, cook 
or stew, ply the needle or wield the broom, or try to keep cob- 
webs out of your room, wish to make pickles, preserves or 
sweets, can corn, cucumbers, berries or meats, do you; do you 
wish to accomplish any of these feats cuisine, then in order to 
insure that success which will satisfy the digestive apparatus 
and thereby elevate the moral nature and lead to genial dis- 
position in husband, uncle, nephew, brother, boarder, visitor, 
sponger, lover, buy at a trifling cost this most wonderful pub- 
lication that has gladdened the eyes of this day and generation. 
(Sally stands in open mouthed wonder.) Thank the lucky star, 
moon or constellation of your destiny that you have lived to 
see this wonderful Universal Formulary of Materia Medica 



22 JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 

Pharmaceutical, Culinary and Domestic Preparations, the price 
of which is only — 

Enter Mrs. C. 

Sally. {Speaki/ig in a hoarse twice.) Please ma'am, here's 
a insane lunatic wot's talked me hoarse with his lingo about 
a little of everything on earth and something about the starry 
heavens. He'll never need nothin' to cut the cobwebs outen 
his throat. [Shoulders her broom and marches off iti disgtisf.) 

P. [Bland/v.) Pardon my apparent intrusion, madam ; 
before I proceed may I inquire whether I address the lady of 
the house or one of the daughters of the family, or — 

Mrs. C. I am the lady of the house. Please be seated. 
[She sits in easy chair.) 

P. [Seating himself.) My conscience troubles me when I 
take time to sit down with so many people in this populous 
city unpossessed of a copy of this great panacea for one hun- 
dred and fifty per cent, of all the ills that mortal flesh is heir 
to. It furnishes a recipe for every imaginable article that is to 
be constructed, manufactured or decocted from raspberry jam 
to a roaring milldam, excuse the seeming profanity; it tells you 
how to make the hair grow on a bald husband's head — I 
should say a husband's bald head, how to get a second set of 
teeth, but that doesn't interest you, altogether too young 
[kneels at her right and holds book open before her), informs one 
concerning the writing of love sonnets and poetry, tells you it 
isn't in good form to say [Enter John R^ "I have long 
adored you at a distance most charming idol of my heart, and 
have longed to encircle you in my loving arm." ( John seizes 
him by the collar, jerks him to his feet and whirls him round, 
book flies into the air, but P. catches it, ivhips it open and holds 
it before John's face.) 

John. [Angrily.) Hidol of my "art, eh, you rascal! Hen- 
circle you bin my loving harm ! 

P. No harm intended and I wasn't aware that any hencir- 
gle was mentioned. I'm a missionary, spreading the butter of 



JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 23 

domestic, political and municipal truth on the moldy bread of 
human ignorance by introducing this wonderful conglomera- 
tion of formulas and recipes; tells you how to become an 
alderman, and how to make it lucrative. The recipe shows 
if my memory serves me right, the ingredients essential to the 
make up of that august personage, to be about as follows: 
Individuality 3, cheek 89, self confidence 45, wind 99, brains 
2; total 100. It also gives, I think, the proper ingredients for 
county commissioners, managers of hospitals, manipulators of 
telephone stock companies, etc., but as the two ingredients, 
wind and gall, furnish the principal part of them all, I'll not 
take time to find them this morning, but call your attention 
to— 

John. Zounds, man, your tongue goes like a rotary fan run 
by a dynamo. 

P. Electricity's a back number compared with me, that's 
true; but let me have your order for this wonderful work. 
All the great questions of the day are answered herein, very 
concisely. 

John His hit possible ? 

P. Possible it may not seem, but a fact it is, sir. 

John. Now hi'd like to know wot hit says about the fishery 
question. 

P. ( Without looking at book.) It says the chief question is, 
Where's the bait ? 

John. You rascal ! You hinsult me. 

P. In our vernacular I am canvassing you, soliciting your 
subscription. 

John. Hi'm solicitin' your silence, hand hi must av it. 

P, {Showing prospectus.) Your hand upon one of the 
leaves of my prospectus will relieve you of my presence. 
(John kicks at him). 

John. Better go or you'll 'ave no reason to say you've 'ad 
a bootless job 'ere. 

P. {Starting hastily toward the door.) What boots it if I gain 



24 JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 

a subscription and lose my spinal column ? {Turns 7-ound and 
comes part icay baik). Price is only seven dollars and fifty 
cents, bound in calf. 

John. You're a bound in' calf. Habscond ! 

P. Subscribe. [Holding prospectus before his face.) 

John. Git hout! 

P. For six and a half. 

John. Did hanybody hever see the like ! 

P. It is dirt cheap. ( John forcibly puts him out.) 

John. [Puffing.) Thank 'eaven hi am rid of 'im, (P. 
sticks head in at door.) 

P Make it a V. 

John. Hi'll make hit a black I. 

P. O. I. C. 

John. Hif hi catch you again hi'll W hup. 

P. [Serenely.) C. O. D. (John rushes out after him.) 

Enter R. Jed. /// shirt sleeves with handkerchief in hand. 

Jed. Whew! Talk about warm weather. {Takes a ther- 
mometer out of trousers pocket and inspects it.) This is the warm- 
est winter weather I ever knowed. Here it is 90 degrees in 
the shade. [Puts thermometer back in pocket. ]^x>. faces audi- 
ence. Enter P. cautiously at back, opens book, slaps Jed. sharply 
on back with right hand and thrusts the hook in his face with left.) 

P. Of all the useful information in this great depository 
none is more serviceable, agreeable and economical than the 
direction for keeping warm during this execrable cold weather. 

Jed. Cold weather! Must be ye're engaged in colonizin' 
the Pacific Islands. 

P. Not so, sir. I'm a missionary endeavoring to illuminate 
the Stygian darkness of human ignorance by the dazzling 
light of this darkness dispelling dynamo. (Jed. thrusts ther- 
mometer in his face.) 

Jed. Cast yer peeper on thet if ye think this is cold 
weather. 



[EDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 25 

P. Yes, but we don't all live in your trousers pocket. Many 
a man's pocket is warmer than his heart, and it's a cold day 
when you touch either one, but I must warm up to my 
business — ■ 

Jed. Better cool down to good manners fust, young feller. 

P. No offence intended. I have but a few moments to spare, 
as thousands are waiting with bated breath to see me and sub- 
scribe for this most wonderful literary production this century 
has put forth — 

Jed. Donnelly's great Cryptogram ? (P. rolls up his eyes, 
collapses and falls to the floor. Jed. alarmed, bends over him.) 
Lor, I didn't think it 'ud strike so hard. [Tries by various 
means to revive him. Fans him with his hat ; rubs his hands, 
etc., and finally drags him to sofa.) Whew ' Gewhittiker 
onions, this is a scrape. They'll think my temper got the bet- 
ter of me and have me up for salt and peppery — I mean salt 
and battery — and I a J. P. at that. Wall, I 'low I'd better 
fetch a bucket of water. [Exits hastily D. F.) 

P. {Hastily springing up.) Now's my time. I thought I 
never should gain access to that room unnoticed. [Catches 
up book from floor and exits hastily R. U. E.) 

Enter Miss B. R. i E. attired for street. Stands doivn front 
and soliloquizes. 

Bob. I never was more uncertain what course to take. 
This is a risky piece of business. Perhaps he isn't as green as 
I thought him. I almost fancied last night that he had a sus- 
picion. If the bird dodge doesn't prove successful I'll try him 
on something else. Condemn a conscience any way ! Why is 
it I can never feel quite satisfied to bleed even an old back 
number like him, who will soon drop out of sight and leave 
his money to be quarreled over by his relatives. I ought to 
feel that I am doing the world a service to put the old skin- 
flint's wealth in circulation. Conscience, begone ! I'm doing 
humanity a kindness for which I'll never get any thanks, 
[Exit^ loftily L. U. E.) 



26 JI.UKDIAII JUUKIMS, J. P. 

Re-entv:r p. lioldin;^ ill /lis Jiand two ivatchcs and a ring, 

P. This settles it. Three easily identified pieces of jewelry, 
taken from the store the night of the robbery. {^Drops them 
info pocket, throws book on floor and drops upoi sofa. Enter 
Jed. ivith pail of water. P. opens his eyes as Jed. is about to 
throw it on him.) 

P. [Rising s/o7o/j.) Ho-ld on, sir ! What's the matter? 

Jed. Laws ! Question I war jest about ter ax you. 

P. Did you — did you subscribe ? {Picking vp book.) 
There's a wonderful recipe for preparing a starch that will — 

Jed. Make a book agent stand alone ? You'd better use it. 

P. Also directions for preparing a paste that will cover the 
most shiny head that ever shone with a thick coveting of downy 
hair. 

Jed. Come, youngster, ye've made me heaps o' trouble. If 
ye don't leave these diggin's at once, ye'U need a paste ter cover 
a black eye. [Assuming a belligerent attitude.) Vamoose! (P. 
makes a pass at him and rushes off D. P.) 

Jed. He's the most cantankerous young critter I ever seed. 
Nimble as a perliceman — gettin' away from a row, and as 
cheeky as a lightnin' rod agent. (Enter Miss B. at back.) 

Bob. [Seating herself on the sofa.) Oh, Mr. Judkins. 

Jed. [Promptly seating himself by her side.) Ef ye owe Mr. 
Judkins, pay him. 

Bob. I have so longed all the morning for the opportunity 
to enlist your sympathy in the noble work in which I am 
engaged ! 

Jed. [Gallantly.) Name it, Miss, name it. 

Bob. Ah, sir, you are indeed kind to show an interest in a 
cause in which a poor friendless — I should say a devoted and 
enthusiastic woman is wholly wrapped up, body and soul. The 
poor innocent birds ! How I pity them ! 

Jed. Hev ter present thar bills on female headgear too 
often, eh ? 

Bob. Isn't it shockinsr? Women decoratimr their hats and 



JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 27 

bonnets with the plumage of slaughtered innocence ! It out- 
herods Herod. 

Jed. But I 'low they wear the birds' wings so they'll be 
familiar with 'em ef they ever git any wings uv thar own. 

Bob. Oh, sir, I have met with so much kindness and so 
many quick responses to my charitable plan ! 

Jed. Ye've got me on the ragged edge about it, do let me 
hear it. 

Bob. Well, sir, my plan is this. I am getting the signa- 
tures of leading and humane men everywhere to a petition to 
the legislature to pass stringent laws concerning the slaughter 
of birds. 

Jed. {^Appearing much interested^ Good enough ! On a 
regular lark, so ter speak, aint yer ? (Enter Sally with broom. 
Remains up, listens, chews gum vigorously, and shakes her fist oc- 
casionally?) 

Bob. I'm meeting with marked success. 

Jed. Ef ye git the law passed how ye'll cackle ! 

Bob. Nearly everybody seems willing to sign. Even the 
most close fisted and hard hearted old — 

Jed. Vultures. 

Bob. However, I occasionally meet with insult. One man 
told me the birds were able to take care of themselves. 

Jed. He is an early worm, I'll bet a boss. 

Miss B, Another quoted Scripture about the sparrow not 
falling to the ground, etc. 

Jed. He must a bin an old parrot. 

Bob. Another was so ungentlemanly as to imitate my tone 
of voice, and when I said " Will you sign ?" he screamed out 
" I decline." 

Jed. Regular mockin -bird. 

Bob. Still another said that the buzzards at the Capitol 
know enough to take care of their feathered kin. 

Jed. The old <rr^a/.' Afeared the buzzards ud get the car- 
cass away from him. 



28 jr.DEDIAH JUUKINS, J. 1'. 

Bob. You see they make a great variety of excuses for not 
signing. I filled my last list yesterday, and I'll give you the 
honor of heading a new list. {Producing paper) You'll sign, 
won't you ? 

Jed. (Aside.) I 'low she thinks me jest such a goose. {Di- 
rect.) Oh, certainly, certainly, that's the kind of a blue Jay I 
am. I 'low I'll do jest what ye say. {Aside.) When Fourth 
of July comes on Christmas day. 

Bob. {Resting her hand on his shoulder.) How very kind 
and good you are ! (Jed. appears pleased. She hands him the 
paper.) There's the place to sign. {Points to it.) 

Jed. Gewhittaker crickets ! but I don't seem ter know jest 
what I'm signin', an' I haint got my glasses. 

Bob. I'll read it to you. {Reads.) 

"The undersigned, citizens of this commonwealth, believing 
that our feathered songsters are a blessing to mankind, adding 
to man's enjoyment by their melodies, and contributing to his 
welfare by destroying injurious insects, would hereby respect- 
fully petition your honorable body to stop by stringent enact- 
ments, the unwarrantable destruction of our harmless birds.' 

Jed. That sounds fust rate, but I haint got a pen handy. 
(Miss B. holds out an automatic pen.) I 'low thar aint a bit o' 
ink in the house. 

Bob. Try running that pen over the paper, and notice how 
smooth the point is. Just run through with the letters of your 
name. A person in your position is no doubt a good judge of 
a pen. 

Jed. {Writing his name.) Wall, I am 3. good jedge uv a 
pen. {Aside.) A pig pen. (Miss B. eyes his hand sharply and 
suddenly snatches the paper from his hands.) 

Bob. Splendid, isn't it ? {Aside.) Got with perfect ease. 
(Sally marches down to center with broom on her shoulder. 
Points her finger a/ Miss B.) 

Sally. {Tragically.) " Out, you mad headed ape ! 
A weasel hath not such a deal of spleen 
As you are toss'd with !" 



JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 29 

Bob. What does the simpleton mean ? 

Sally. Ha, ha, ha, he, he, he, ho, ho, ho. ( Waves broom 
in air.) I'm a simpleton, oh yes, I'm a simpleton ! I'm a idiot, 
I'm a fool. {-Drops broom upon Miss B.'s head and knocks off 
her bonnet?) But I haint so green that they wants to git me to 
decorate churches with ov a Christmas "day. (/// a loud whis- 
per?) An' I haint sech a fool as to sign no name to nothink. 

Jed. Come, come, gal, breath's too skase ter use it so 
reckless. 

Bob. [Trying to adjust her bo?tnet.) You'll excuse me while 
I repair the mischief this jade has done. [To Sally, Jieree/f.) 
Hussy ! 

Sally. (At charge bayonet zvith the broom}) Call me jade 
and hussy if it do you any good, but don't say nothink about 
my beiu' a hypercrit an' cheat, unless ye want to cough up 
them false teeth. (Miss B. exits loftily i) 

Jed. Wall, I'd like ter know wot's got yer dander up so 
high. 

Sally. I don't know much, but I know more'n people 
thinks I do. I know enough to run when the Old Boy comes 
at me with a pair of tongs. 

Jed. Wot the mischief do ye mean ? 

Sally. I thought you knowed better nor to sign that paper. 

Jed. I didn't sign it. They want no ink on the pen. 

Sally. Lawk, how green you be, Ye're a fool but ye aint 
a big fool like me. Ye're a little one for a cent. That pen 
had ink /// it. 

Jed. I didn't see no ink. 

Sally. Yer eyes aint much sharper nor yer wits. But it 
is pale at fust. It'll be black as her heart fore you see it agin. 
Yer name is signed fast enough. 

Jed. Wall, I 'low thar's no harm ter come o' that. 

Sally. Oh, no, I spose not. It was nothink but a promise 
to pay her a lot of money. 

Jed. [Springing to his feet.) That's a whopper ! It war a 



-O JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 

petition ter the legislater. (Sally takes a piece of paper from 
her pocket and shows it to p.X).) 

Sally. That's the petition, an' you signed jest be o^v it. 
Lift up that thin paper and see wot ye really ^/^ sign. I foun 
it in her room not half an hour ago. (Jed. readur^ meantune.) 
Ted {Dropping tcpon sofa.) Five thousand dollars! A note 
for five thousand dollars! She throwed this one away cause 
she had made a leetle mistake in it. {Starting up.) But I 11 
find her and git it back. {Starts to rush off B. F meets a Po- 
liceman entering. Policeman seizes him by collar.) 
Pol Not so fast. Where are you going? 
Ted' Don't seem ter be goin' much uv anywhar jest now. 
War a saunterin' out ter ketch a 'ooman wot cheated me into 
signin' a note fer $5,000. 
Pol. What's your name? 

Ted. Jedediah Jackson Judkins, er words to that effect 

But ye'd better let me go an' ketch that sharper. {Struggles.) 

Enter Esther R. U. E. 

Pol You couldn't catch her if you were twice as old as >'ou 

are She rattled off in a cab just as I came in. Besides, this 

house is guarded and no one will be allowed to leave it until it 

is searched. , . 

Esther. Sir, you do not mean to say that we must submit 
to that indignity! There are no dishonest people here. 

Pol. I'm sorry to say it. Miss, but it must be done. People 
are not all as honest as they seem to be. 
Enter Mrs. C. 
Esther There's some terrible mistake about it. 
Pol I'm afraid not. Miss. {Shoiving tmitches and ring.) 
These were taken from this house but a short time ago by one 
of our men. They disappeared from the store of Windum & 
Tick night before last. 

Mrs. C. {hi great agony.) Oh, my poor boy! rhe> are 

trying to work his ruin. 



JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 31 

Pol. I must proceed with this disagreeable business, 
madam. Show me to your son's room. (Mrs. C. motions in 
direction and sinks into a c/iair. Pol. exits.) 

Jed. Well, ef I don't hate city ways, then call me pusley! 

Esther. ( Wringing her hands.') What a cruel fate is this! 

Jed. Thar, thar, little gal, don't ye go ter takin' on so. 
I've lived a heap more year nor you, and I've often noticed 
wot seems our biggest troubles air our biggest blessings in 
disguise. {Aside.) I wish, ter goodness I hed that cantanker- 
ous swindlin' female critter here a minit, I'd choke her. 
{Direct.) Every cloud has a silver linin'. {Aside.) Oh, Lor, 
I'm afeard my wollet won't hev no silver near its linin' after 
some bank cashes that note an' calls on me for payment. 

Enter John. 

Mrs. C. I wish we had called Herbert before daylight and 
hurried him out of the reach of the officers. 

John. No, no, Mary Jane; hif 'e's hinnocent 'e'll come 
hout hall right, hand hif 'e's guilty 'e'll 'ave to suffer the 
consequences. 

Mrs. C. Guilty! John; guilty! you don't mean to hint that 
you for a moment think our boy guilty? 

John. No, Mary Jane, hov course not; but hif hit was 
hany other boy than hours hi'd say it looked suspicious. 
( Wipes his eyes.) 

Re-enter Policeman bringing Herbert handcuffed. All 
gather round him in great distress. Mrs. C. sobbing, puts head 
on his shoulder. Officer stands quietly at back. 

Mrs. C. My dear boy, we all know that you are not guilty 
of this terrible accusation, but we wish to know from your own 
lips, lips that have never told a lie, the truth of the whole 
matter. 

Pol. Don't ask him to criminate himself before witnesses. 
See, here is a piece of paper on which is written dozens of 
times a perfect imitation of the signature of Windum & Tick, 
I found it in his drawer just now. 



32 JEDEDIAH JUDKIXS, J. P. 

Jed. [Aside.) Poor lad, it will go hard with him. 

John. 'Erbert, 'Erbert, 'aven't you a word to say for 
yourself? 

Esther. Speak out, Herbert; your word with us carries 
greater weight than all the circumstantial evidence in the 
world. 

Herbert. It is as much of a mystery to me as it can be to 
any one. Night before last I went to my room at the store 
rather late. In the morning I felt partly stupefied, and did 
not feel quite myself until I had taken the train. Getting 
home late last night, and not happening to see the papers, I 
could not understand the peculiar state you all were in. I 
went down and tried to get into the store last night, but found 
on looking that my key had been taken from the ring. 

Mrs. C. Did you notice anything peculiar in the appearance 
of the store when you came out yesterday morning? 

Herb. No. I didn't look at the safe in which the most 
valuable goods are placed at night. 

]\Irs. C. You haven't explained how the jewelry came to be 
secreted in your room. 

Herb. I know nothing about that. 

Pol. It's time to go. 

Herb. Good-bye, mother; good-bye, father. [Takes 
Esther by the hand, but is unable to speak.) 

Jed. Herbert, my lad, I've jest now fooled myself outen 
$5,000, but I 'low I've got enough left to go yer bail, and fry 
my gizzard ef I don't blow in twice $5,000 but you shall have 
justice done ye. I'll find the best pettifogger in this city, an' 
he'll clar ye cleaner'n a double hardened mouldboard in a 
sandbank; leastwise, ef he don't it won't be fer want uv 
chargin' enough. 

Herb. Thank you, uncle; you are very kind. [At back 
with officer.) Good-bye, all. Keep up courage. This thought 
shall sustain me: Accused innocence is far better than unac- 
cused guilt. [Exits 2oith officer.) 



JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 33 

Positions as follows: Sally at extreme R. shaking her head and 
looking belligerent. Esther at C. supporting Mrs. C. John 
left of C. with right hand stretched toward door., left upon fore- 
head. Jed. at left of John with right hand resting on John's 
shoulder. 

Curtain — End of Act II. 



ACT III. 

SCENE I. — May be omitted without making disconnection of 
parts. A street in the city at daylight. Flats in i G. Jed 
discovered looking about him in wonder. 

Enter Prentiss disguised as a fop. Walking briskly, 

stumbles against ]ed, who thrusts left arm into 

P.'s right, and holds him. 

Jed. Beg pardon, neighbor, but I 'low from yer git up ye 
know the town. 

P. Awe, weally sir, you must not detain me. I have pwess- 
ing business, donchernaw. 

Jed. ( Taking out plug of tobacco and biting off a piece.) Yes, 
I gnaw. Hevsome? {^Presenting it.) 

P. Weally, you must excuse me. 

Jed. So ye're oxxpressin business. Too arly ter go ter see 
the gals. Say, aint they a powerful sight o' houses round yer ? 
Beats Poseyville all holler. 

P. Indeed ! 
' Jed. I 'low they haint got no sech turnouts ez Deacon Blif- 
kins'. Reg'lar baroach. Place fer driver, too. Lor, it's" 
stylish. 

P. The city tunouts don't tunout so uUy in the mawning. 
{Rattle of wheels and rapid strokes of a gong heard at distance.) 

Jed. {Excited.) Wot's thet a fiukin' down the street? 
{Points off R.) 



34 JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P, 

P. It's only a fiah-engine going to put out a fiah. 

Jed. Gewhittaker crickets ! Les' git some buckets an' run 
an' help. [Starts R. dragging P. 7aitk him.) 

P. [Struggling.) Naw, naw, they don't need help. Knock 
yoah bwains out with a billy if you penetwate the wing. 

Jed. Shucks! I aint afeard o' no billies. Got one in my 
barn-yard to home thet tries ter knock my brains out every 
time I stoop over. 

P. Awe, I wanternaw ! (Jed promptly extends plug. P. 
shakes head.) Weally, you don't seem at home in the city, suh. 

Jed. Thet may be, yer honor, an', ter tell the truth, I aint. 
I'm tryin' now ter find the perlice station. 

P. Weally, you mustn't talk about the police station, or 
some one will think I'm in yoah custody. 

Jed. I'm a cuss ter-day, myself, Mr. Faint an' Fall In It 
book agent. ♦• 

P. {Assuming natural tone.) S — h ! Don't talk too loud. 
How in the world did you know me? 

Jed. [Releasing him.) Shouldn't uv ef it hadn't been fer 
them two little moles under yer right ear. 

P. I'll see to them hereafter. But what brings you out so 
early ? 

Jed. I'm lookin' fer a cantankerous critter that swindled 
me into signin' a note fer five thousand dollars. Don't keer 
so much about the money as the disgrace ter a person in my 
position. J. P. Swindled by a ooman, too. 

P. What is her name ? 

Jed. Not bein' persessed o' no supernatural knowledge I 
can't tell ye. She sailed as Miss Bobbin. 

P. Ah, ha ! Miss Bobbin alias Miss Banks, really Annie 
Craig, who -has been playing this game for months upon the 
unsophisticated people who visit the city. She's sharp, but I 
hope to trap her yet. 

Jed. Serves me right. I might have knowed better. 

P. Correct. Four donts a countrvman who comes to town 



JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 35 

should heed, are : Don't visit disreputable places ; don't tell 
your business to strangers ; don't sign your name to anything 
but the hotel register, and don't blow out the gas. 

Jed. Lor, it ud take a New York City blizzard ter blow out 
all the gas in this town. 

P. Now, about that note. I'm a member of the detective 
agency here and I'll help you recover the note if it is possible. 
Meet me this afternoon at three, at this place [giving card) and 
we'll talk the matter over. If you ever recognize me in dis- 
guise, don't give me away. 

Jed. I won't. [Looking off R.) Wot's thet high stepper 
tryin' ter do with thet purty gal ? 

P. One of those rascally cabmen who has promised to take 
her to a distant part of the city and is trying to make her walk 
part of the way. I'll see about that. [Hurries off R. Con- 
versation outside in loud tones ^ 

Cabman. I tell yer, madam, ye'll hef ter git out here. My 
boss has been on the go all night and can't go no furder. 

P. Madam, how much did you pay him, for of course you 
paid him or he wouldn't stop here? 

Jed. You bet. [Looking off R. much interested.) 

Ber. I paid him a dollar to take me to Twenty-third street. 

P. Well, Cabby, give her the money or take her to her des- 
tination. 

Cab. Well, Dudie, I'll do nothin' of the kind. 

P. You've mistaken your man, and, as I'm an officer, if you 
don't go on or hand over the money I'll arrest you. I can 
make it cost you many times that amount. This rascally trick 
is being played too often. 

Ber. I'll not ride a step farther with the fellow. 

Cab. ( Thro7ving down the money on floor outside so that it 
rings.) There it is ! Anything to beat poor hardworking 
cabmen. 

P. Yes, I know. Poor but dishonest. [Enters carrying a 
valise.) Right this way, madam. Here's a car that will take 
you to Twenty-third. (Enter Ber. in traveling attire.) 



36 JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 

Ber. (As they cross the stage.) How can I repay you for 
this kindness? 

P. To know that it is looked upon as a kindness is enough. 
Many ladies accept such services as inherent rights, with never 
a " Thank you." ( They exit at L.) 

Jed. Wall, I'll be jiggered ! Thet youth orter be Lord 
Mayor. He knows his gait, or I shud say his various gaits, fer 
he's got a heap uv 'em. He's a reg'lar out an' out gold brick. 
"A dandy but not a dude." {^Imitating him.) Awe wevowr! 
{Exits R.) 

[Flats run back. End of scene.) 

SCENE n. — Room at police station. Plain table and three or 
four chairs. DeCamp and Hardin seated in shirt sleeves at 
table R. of C. playing cards. Their coats hang on wall. Either 
one of them may sing the following song. Both might sing on 
chorus. Song may be omitted entirely. Air, '■'■ Bra^inigan's 
Pup.'' May be sung in Irish brogue. 

We're a brace of bold burglars tied up in a bag, 

Our chances seem scaly just now. 
We've picked up a great many fine bits of swag. 

We got them — I'll not tell you how. 
We crack people's houses, we do it for pelf, 

Be assured that it isn't at all in play. 
In Joliet soon we'll be laid on the shelf. 

There they're not very jolly, they say. 

Chorus. 
Oh ho ! We're no good, to be sure, 

We rob you whenever we can. 
But we don't put on airs, 
As becomes " bulls " and " bears," 

And steal on the " High Moral" plan. 

There's no misplaced confidence in us, you know, 

As there is in McGarigle's like ; 
And we've not yet come down so hopelessly low 

As to get up a base burglar strike. 



JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 37 

We attend to our business, from boycotts fight shy, 

We ask but our share of your burglary trade ; 
When we call on you, please do not shoot on the sly, 

That would tend to make burglars afraid. 

Chorus. 

We're not laying claims to great merits, you say. 

In the papers we don't advertise. 
But let me assure you it's a very hot day, 

When burglars are roost on by flies. 
On "boodlers," Lord Bacon, Jake Sharp, and their clan. 

We look down with feelings of scorn in our hearts. 
And we don't think guilt worse in an ignorant man. 

Than it is in a Master of Arts. 

Chorus. 

Har. No use talking. We're in a fix. {^Dropping voice to 
a low key.) I tell you, the evidence is too strong against us. 

De C. On which? 

Har. On the cracking we did on Michigan avenue. Wish 
instead of running I had shot the man that saw us. Then he 
wouldn't have squealed. 

De C. That would have made it blacker yet. 

Har. There's but one chance. Break from here and make 
for parts unknown. 

De C. We can't do it. If we had our guns we might. 

Har. I met our Mr. [tiuistiiig hand like winding a clock) 
You Know on the street as they were running us in and gave 
him the wink. I think he'll come down and help us. He 
wants us out of town bad enough. 

Enter Keeper isnth Herb, handcuffed. 

Keep. You'll stay in these rooms [pointing off L.) to-day, as 
the other is to have some repairs, and to-night you'll be allowed 
to go back there. (Keeper exits and Herbert sinks into a 
chair np L.) 

De C. I say, my bully boy, come over and take a hand. 



38 JEDEDIAH JUDK.IXS, j. P. 

Har. Where are your eyes? He has more hands now than 
he can use. 

Herb. {In distressed voice.) Thanks, I don't play cards. 

Har. [Tragically.) Sir, for the fair fame of this fair city 
deny your nativity here. Announce to my pained ears that 
you were born and reared in Boston. 

Herb. No, sir, I was born and have hved all my life in this 
city. 

Har, "Then are we vile indeed." 

De C. Come, deal. 

Har. [T/irotviiig doivn cards in mock seriousness.) Ideal? 
That's my ideal. [Pointing to Herbert.) Bravest of all our 
brave fraternity. I know them all, from the swell bloak who 
robs his brother bloak on 'Change up to the modest cracks- 
man who plys his more modest and more dangerous trade 
in homes of wealth and refinement. I have never found one 
before who dared say, " I don't play cards." Hereafter the 
parson here [stepping over to him) and myself constitute a mu- 
tual protective union against the deadly pasteboards. [Slaps 
Herbert on back.) 

Herb. [Rising angrily.) Come, sir, no familiarity. You 
are going too far with your chaff. I have nothing in common 
with you or your fraternity. 

De C. Let 'im alone, he's innocent of wot's charged agin' 
him. [Laughing loudly.) 

Har. So are we all, all innocent. If things stick to our 
fingers are we to blame because nature has waxed them? 

De C. He's waxed warm. Let 'im alone. [Imitating Her- 
bert.) "You are going too far with your chaff." Ha, ha! 
That's good. 

Har. [To Herbert.) Let's get up a pledge never more to 
lie, or swear, or gamble, or steal. 

Herb. [Hotly.) Don't insinuate I'm a thief. 

Har. [Sneeringly.) Sneak thief! (Herbert i'/^r/i- «/ /'t' Har- 
din threateningly and Har. slaps him. Herb, rushes upon him, 



JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 39 

gets him by the throat and pushes him over on the table. De C. 
seizes a chair, swings it over head to strike Herb. Jed. rushes 
in at D. F. stops the blow, and knocks De C. doivn. Har. has 
struggled to his feet only to be throttled by Jed., who throws him 
across the prostrate form of De C. and calmly seats himself upon 
them.) 

Jed. a saddle wouldn't be out of place to a person in my 
position. 

Enter Mr. Windum. Jed. gets up and Har. and De C. 
slowly rise. 

W. What's all this clatter about? 

Jed. Jest bin givin' a sample performance with my new 
fangled compound geared, double back action, combined car- 
pet sweeper and mop. {Shoving tip sleeves.) Want ter see it 
operate? 

W. No, no; by no means. I abhor fights and brawls. 

Jed. It /V ruther disgraceful to one in my position. I'm a 
Justice of the Peace. 

Har. [Rubbing his elbow.) More like a Justice of the 
pieces. 

Jed. No back talk from the machinery. The combined 
sweeper and mop will please retire to the closet. [Points off 
L. De Camp at Jed's back stealthily takes out and opens a huge 
pocketknife and is about to rush upon ]^V). when Jed. draws a 
revolver, whirls and points it at him.) Self-cocker! six shots in 
two seconds. Better drap it. (De C. drops knife. ]-e.t>. picks it 
up. Har. and De C. sullenly retire to room at L.) 

Enter Keeper. 

Jed. Look a here, Mister Keeper, I 'low you'd better 
take the bracelets off this man ef ye mean ter keep him here 
with that pair of wolves I jest now chased away. 

Keep. Why, yes, I didn't intend to leave them on him. 
[Takes off handcuffs.) 



40 JEDEDIAH JUDKIXS, J. P. 

Herb. [Facetiously.) You might leave me a Catling gun to 
defend myself with. 

Keep. They're a pair of hard customers, but I think 
they'll give you no further trouble. [Exit D. F.) 

W. Now I should be much pleased to have a few moments 
alone with Mr. Craincross. 

Jed. {Aside.) Laws, ef he don't get a thing it wont be 
fer want of cheek ter ask fer it. [Direct?) Wall, I 'low I'd 
better go in and clean out my carpet siveeper. [Takes a re- 
volver in hand and exits L). 

W. Herbert, your case looks pretty discouraging, but as 
this is your first offense, and you have always been a faithful 
clerk, and have perhaps been led into this through evil asso- 
ciations, I am disposed to be lenient. 

Herb. [Sadly.) So you really think me guilty. 

W. Put yourself in my place. Could you then doubt cir- 
cumstantial evidence so strong as this ? Many a man has been 
hanged on less conclusive evidence. 

Herb. Very true. But I thought my life of integrity 
would tide me over circumstances of this kind. It is simply a 
villainous plot, by some enemy, to ruin me. Mr. Windum, if 
there is justice in heaven, this cruel scheme will prove a dag- 
ger to the soul of its vile instigator whoever he may be. May 
it be to him a cup of wormwood to be drained to its very 
dregs! 

W. [Annoyed.) Come, come, boy, you must not feel that 
way about it. 1 am here to offer a way of escape from the 
many dreary years that seem to await you in the penitentiary 

Herb. The penitentiary! Oh God! Must I go there ? 
Must I be thrust for half a lifetime into the society of such as 
these two devils, who but now made an attempt upon my life ? 
Must I be torn away from home and friends, and her I love, 
and buried alive in that remorseless sepulcher ? Let me die 
first. 

W. Truly, the way of the transgressor is hard. Uut it need 



JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 41 

not come to that. I offer you this plan of escape. If you will 
pledge your word of honor — 

Herb. [Bitter/y.) My word of honor! You forget that 
you but this minute accused me of theft. 

W. Never mind that now. If you will promise to leave the 
city at once, never again'to appear within it, or communicate 
with your friends here, we will not appear against you. 

Herb. But why these severe conditions ? Why this exile 
from home and friends ? 

W. If you leave at once this matter will die out. If you 
stay, the State will undoubtedly take the matter up. Anyhow, 
it would make a theme for constant talk and censure in busi- 
ness circles. Will you do it ? 

Herb. For various reasons I cannot. It would leave a 
stam on my name. I must stay and live it down. It would 
look like running away from guilt, whereas I am perfectly 
innocent. 

W. The world will look upon you as guilty whether you 
go or stay. Better the pure air of heaven among new friends 
than the pestilential breath of a great prison house. May I 
have your answer ? 

Herb. You have my answer. I will stay and suffer the 
consequences of another's guilt. 

W. Do not blame me. I have tried to show clemency. 

Herb. "My deeds upon my head." 

W. I'll thank you to call your friend, if friend he be, from 
the other room. (Herb, exits L. W. takes package from 
porket and places it in Hardin's coat pocket on the ivall. Herb. 
returns with Jed.) 

W. ( Very dignified.) I have offered to drop this case on 
condition this young man leave city, home and friends forever. 
1 wish to have you for a witness to my proposal. 

Jed. Home an' friends includin' the sweetheart ? 

W. Everybody. (71? Herb.) I now repeat my offer. Do 
you accept or refuse it ? 



42 JEUEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 

Herb. {Decidedly.^ I refuse it. 

Jed. Of course, of course ! When ye included the gal I 
knowed wot the answer 'ud be. It's sound not ter run. Ef 
the gallows stared ye in the face, I'd say "git" till yer innercence 
is established. But seein' it aint a hangin' offence, I say stay 
and face the music. We'll work av\*ay at it till we fasten it on 
the right feller {turning suddenly upon W.) and don't ye forget 
it, mister. 

W. I've nothing more to say. (Hardin strolls in from L. 
W. goes up and addresses him.) No more rows and assaults 
upon this young man, mind you. It will make you trouble. 
(/?^ a lo7uer tone.) When I am gon'fe, look in the pocket of 
your coat. [To Herbert.) I'll bid you good-day. [Exits 
loftily. Herb, sinks into a cJiair. Hardin exits L. muttering. 
Jed. conies down C. and stands in thoughtful attitude with his 
finger beside his nose). 

Jed. [Soliloquizing.) Now why on yarth shud he want this 
young feller ter leave these diggins ? Thar's a ooman in it some- 
whars. Law, wot won't men do fer the love o' the other sex. 
Yas, thar's a ooman in the case (Enter Esther i^//^/ John), an' 
thar she is. [Business of handshaking., Esther, John and 
Herbert.) 

John. Hi never thought it ood come to this. ( Wiping his 
eyes?) 'Erbert, my boy, hit's 'orrible ! 

Herb. Indeed it is, father, but "what can't be cured must 
be endured." I've been very despondent about it, but now 
I'm determined to find the silver lining to this cloud if it has 
one. 

Esther. We met Mr. Windum as we came in. Can he 
not help you ? 

Herb. He has been here to see me. 

Esther. It was kind of him to call upon you. 

Herb. He offered not to appear against me on condition. 

Esther. ( With animation.) And the condition was — 

Herb. To leave the city, home and friends, in short, every- 
thing that is dear to me, forever. [Taking her hands in his). 



JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 43 

Esther. {Disappointed.^ And you told him — 

Herb. What would you have mc tell him ? 

Esther. ( With a deep sigh?) Whatever seems best to you. 

Herb. Would it not be wise to flee ? If I am convicted I 
shall be separated from you. 

Esther. You'll not be convicted. It isn't possible that 
they could convict an innocent person. {Anxiously.) But may 
I know the answer you gave him ? 

Herb. I told him I would not flee from it. 

Esther. {Relieved?) I thought you would give him that 
answer. If accused of murder I would wish you to flee from it 
if you thought the chances not good for clearing yourself. 
(John and Jed. are talking earnestly meantime at back of stage, 
not observing Esther and Herbert.) 

Herb. Let's not talk about it any longer. It's too disagree- 
able a subject. How is mother, and why didn't she come v/ith 
you ? 

Esther. I have good news for you. Bernice unexpectedly 
came home this morning, but being too ill to come, mother 
staid with her. One of her sick headaches. 

Herb. It's delightful to think of her at home again. She, 
with her good spirits, will help to cheer the others up. 

Esther. When you come home we'll be happy and cheer- 
ful enough. God grant that may be soon. {Strokes of a dis- 
tant bell.) 

Herb. Hark ! The cathedral bell is striking twelve. 
"High twelve," it joyfully rings out to those permitted to 
breathe the fresh, pure air of heaven; to those not circum- 
scribed by four dingy walls How true it is that we do not 
appreciate even our choicest blessings until we lose them. 

Esther. Each day until we meet again, I'll offer up at 
noon a silent prayer for your swift release and established 
innocence. 

Herb. Each day at noon I'll think of you, my guiding star 
to all that is good and true, and offer up the incense of an un- 
quenchable devotion upon love's sacred altar, 



44 ji^DEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 

Esther. Good-bye, until we meet again 

Heri;. {Kissi/ig he>\) Good-bye, good-bye. {Shakes hands 
silently with John and Jed. All three exit D. F. Enter L. 
Hardin and D. C. Herbert exit L without speaking to 
them?) 

Har. That cursed old threshing machine has gone, it 
seems. ( They hasten to the eoat and take out the package W, has 
left. Hardin looking cautiously around, takes out two revolvers 
and bank bills.) Two barkers ! [Counts money and gives some to 
D. C.) Five hundred dollars ! ( They sit at table and Har. reads 
the following note :) 

"If you succeed in getting away, flee at once. There are 
rumors afloat that may lead to a slip noose. If you ever lisp a 
word I'll turn State's evidence concerning the men in the bar- 
rel. Mum's the word." Think of that ! And we thought we 
had him on the string ! If ever I have any more deal with a 
high-toned non-professional bloak you may take my lungs for 
a life preserver. 

D. C. What's our best move now ? 

Har. Anything to get away. There's usually only one man 
at this station at this hour. (Enter Keeper, Har. down R. 
with his revolver behind him; D. C. up L., boldly.) Mr. Keeper, I 
wish you to understand that I'm one of those exceedingly polite 
crooks you read about in the papers, so I will state my request 
in a genteel manner. Have the kindness to allow us to depart 
in peace from this very objectionable place of incarceration. 

Keeper. If you mean by that to ask me to let you out, I'll 
say candidly that I'll see both your necks stretched first. 

Har. Come, now, don't be too hasty. We have money. 
Perhaps, knowing that, you'll reconsider your answer. Mem- 
bers of the force have received rewards of this kind. 

Keeper. You never sa-w enough gold to bribe me. 

Har. Then take lead. [Presents revolver and fires. Keeper 
falls. Both run to door in fiat but Har. slips, falls and drops 
his revolver. Regains feet and exits, leaving revolver near ofiUcer. 
Herb, rushes in L.) 



JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 45 

Herb. Heavens! What foul deed is this? The keeper 
killed ? [Bends over him.) With this revolver ! [Picking it 
up, puts hand wildly to head, and tries to think. Horrified.) 
They'll suspect me ! They'll think uncle left this revolver to 
kill the keeper with. The gallows stares me in the face. They 
all agreed that if it were murder I would be justified in fleeing 
from it. It's escape or death ! [Seizes keeper's hqt, pulls it over 
his eyes, slips revolver under his coat and hastily exits D. F. ) 
Curtain — End of Scene 2. 

SCENE in. Same as ACT I, Mrs. C. sitting in easy chair 

reading paper. Esther on sofa crocheting. 

Esther. Any news concerning the wounded officer, Mrs. 
Craincross ? 

Mrs. C. I can find none. 

Esther. If he recovers, his testimony will establish Her- 
bert's innocence of being an accomplice to the assault upon 
him. 

Mrs. C. Poor boy, what he must suffer these days ! It's 
no wonder he fled from such a charge as would have been 
made against him. 

Esther. I'm* glad he escaped without making any condi- 
tions. I feel confident he will return and that it will come out 
all right and we shall yet find the silver lining to the cloud. 

Mrs. C. He may be in California by this time. [Boy at a 
distance screaming Evening Papers!) [Note. Prolong the 
first E very much and make the word '•'■papers " almost inaudible.^ ' 
There's a news boy. He may have a later edition than this. 
Tell Sally to get one. Ah, I forgot. Poor Sally ! 

Esther. I'll get one. [Exit D. E.) 

Mrs. C. So strange about that servant ! She seemed to 
have something on her mind but would tell me nothing. Acted 
as if she wanted to tell but dared not. Poor thing, and now 
she's in an insane asylum. I believe she knew something about 
the way in which that jewelry came to be in the house, but was 
intimidated into silence. 



46 .IKDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 

Enter Esther reading paper. 

Esther. {^Her face lighting up as she reads.) Oh, joyfu! 
news ! [Reads heading aloud. Enter Ber. and stands in sight 
of audience and listens.) Wounded Police Station Officer able 
to talk. Young Craincross exonerated of having part in the 
Assault. Buck Hardin Did the Deed. {Throws paper to Mrs. 
C. Ber. sp7-iiigs forward, clapping her hands.) 

Ber. Isn't that delightful? Best news I've heard since I 
was a " hinfant in harms," as pa would say. [Drops on her 
knees at Mrs. C.'s side.) Next thing on the programme. Mommy 
Dear, will be the return of the absent one, at the head of a 
grand procession, the band playing " See the Conquering Hero 
Comes," innocence established, the guilty confounded, and 
everybody happy, just like a play instead of sober everyday 
life. 

Esther. Ah, Bernice, how I envy you your sanguine 
nature ! 

Ber. Oh, I'm a regular Mark Tapley in petticoats. Jolly ! 

Mrs. C. I'm glad some one can be jolly. 

Esther. But who is to go after the absent one ? 

Ber. I'll send a detective. [Seating herscff in a chair.) 

Esther. You talk as if you own the agency. 

Mrs. C. She seems to have a small portion of it at com- 
mand. [Ring of distant door bell.) 

Esther. It wouldn't be surprising if the small portion were 
coming now to receive orders. [Exits to answer bell.) 

Ber. Don't I look like a fright, mother ? 

Mrs. C. You don't appear to be /// a fright. 

Ber. [Rising hastily.) " She who friglfts and runs away. 
May live to fright another day." 
[About to exit.) 

Mrs. C. No, don't run away and leave your poor mother 
to the tender mercies of the enemy. 

Ber. Oh, I don't expect an enemy. However, seeing you 
happen to be a trifle older than I, I'll take your advice and 



JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, P. J. 47 

remain. (Enter Esther and Mr. W. Aside.) Perhaps it 
is an enemy, after all. Any way, I dislike him. (Mrs. C. 
greets him warmly.') 

Ber. {Coldly.) Good-evening. 

W. [Taking a seat.) Of course you've heard the latest 
about the wounded officer ? 

Mrs. C. Yes, we have just learned it from the paper. 

W. It's very gratifying to have one blot removed from your 
son's good name. 

Mrs. C. We feel that his good name is blotted only in the 
eyes of his enemies. 

W. To be sure his friends will be slow to think ill of him. 

Ber. ( With asperity.) And we don't care what his enemies 
think of him. 

Esther. It's a mystery to me how the crooks secured their 
weapons. 

W. Perhaps they were not thoroughly searched when 
arrested. 

Ber. That's not likely. My opinion is there's an accom- 
plice. [Looking at VV.) 

Esther. Is any effort being made to find them ? 

W. In a perfunctory way. They're all at a safe distance 
ere this. In Canada, perhaps. They'll not be seen here soon. 

Mrs. C. No danger but that our boy will return as soon as 
sufficient evidence is secured to establish his innocence, 

Ber. I'll go to find him myself if I cannot induce any one 
else to go. [Another ring at the door bell. Esther answers it.) 

W. ( To Ber.) It's not easy to find him. He may assume 
a disguise and take every precaution against re-arrest. In 
some remote place, under an assumed name, let us hope he 
may find happiness. ( To Mrs. C.) Permit me to remind you, 
dear madam, that these dark hours which come to. so many of 
us, and may come to all, are not wholly an unmixed evil. 
From the altar of our heart's greatest sacrifices may come a 
consecrating and strengthening influence that will enable us to 



48 JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 

more fully sympathize with and relieve the suffering of those 
around us. 

Mrs. C. Thank you for your kind words. How inclined 
we are to magnify our own afflictions above those of our neigh- 
bors ! (Re-enter Esther followed by Mr. Prentiss.) 

P. [Nods to \Y . and shakes hatids zviihlsi'R'S.. C.) Of course 
you are rejoicing over the good news. {Passes- to Ber. and 
shakes hands.) Was afraid this morning that I should have to 
bear the disagreeable news of the officer's death, as he was very 
low. [Taking a seat.) But he rallied and was able to tell me 
all about it. 

Ber. Are there any new conjectures in the matter ? 

P. There's every indication of an accomplice, but who it 
could have been is a mystery. Only a few visited the room, 
and the officer says the prisoners were carefully searched. 
(Enter Jed. unobserved, D. F.) 

Mr. W. Herbert's friend, the old man, had a revolver with 
him at the station. Isn't it probable that one of them stole it 
from his pocket ? 

Jed. {Coming for^vard, drawing revolver., holds it muzzle 
foremost out to W .) Bet a boss it ain't neither probable nor 
possible. See them three J's on the barl ? Jedediah Jackson 
Judkins. 

W. {Nervously draws back. Exclamations of surprise from 
Mrs. C, Esther, and Ber. at seeing Jed.) Please present it 
handle first. It might go off. 

Jed. I 'low it might send me ter the happy huntin' 
grounds then, an' I'd hate that like blazes. I aint prepared 
ter go like you air. 

W. I'm in no haste to go, I assure you. 

Jed. Laws, in course ye aint. No matter how strong our 
faith may be we aint any uv us jest itchin' ter go over ter the 
majority, 

P. {Slapping Jed. on back.) You're correct, partner. 

Jed. {Shaking his hand warmly.) Laws, howdy, howdy ! 
I'm powerful glad ter see yer. 



JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, T. P. 49 

Ber. How did you come to return so soon, uncle ? 

Jed. Goin' ter shake the hay-seed outen my har an' be a 
city swell. Sold my farm an' now I'm goin' ter be a detective 
and with the detectives stan', honest sweat upon my forrid — 

Ber. And a $5,000 promissory note within your hand. 

Jed. Thar, sissy, you may go ter the head uv the class. 

Ber. Come now, uncle, what would you give me to find 
that note for you ? 

Jed. Oh, ho! So you're thinkin' uv bein' a 'prentice ter 
the detective business, eh ? (Prentiss laughs heartily.') 

Esther. She wouldn't have to be an expert to detect your 
pun, uncle. 

W. You're all growing sharp. It must be in the air. 

Ber. No, it's not in the air, it's in the note. But it really 
seems as though it might be recovered. 

Jed. Why shud I want it rt'covered ? Laws, ef the note 
hadn't bin covered I wouldn't bin sech a fool as ter sign 
it. It's a lastin' disgrace ter a man in ray position. 

P. But if some one re covers the note you can re iigfi. But 
seriously, I think Miss Craincross' native shrewdness might 
furnish the key by which to find it. 

Jed. Then she'd hev the key note, wouldn't she? Thet 
makes me think I'd be powerful glad ter hev a song from 
the young ladies. 

[Introduce songs, solo, duet or any other vocal music practicable. 
W. at conclusion of song takes his hat to go.) 

Jed. (ToW.) Don't yer like music? "He thet heth not 
music {£nter John wearing a pair of squeaky boots) in his soul, 
is fit fer treason, stratagem and spoils !" 

John. {Shaking hands with Jed.) 'Oly brother of Haron ! 
Hif my soul wasn't quite so musical hit would be more hin- 
spirin'. 

W. goes to door. Esther accompanies him. He takes her 
hand and bows very loiu. 

W. I'll bid you all good-night. {Exits D. F.) 



5° JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 

P. (^To Jed. doivn C. snceringly.) Bid 5^ou all good-night. 

Jed. I 'low he couldn't hev made a safer bid. 

Esther. Come uncle, and have a lunch. You can't sur- 
vive on chaff. 

Jed. No, not ef I am a hoss. (Esther exits, followed by 
Jed., John and Mrs. C. Bfr. sits on sofa, P. takes place by 
her side, his arm on back of sofa behind her.') 

P. How delightful it seems to be alone together ! 

Ber. How is it possible for two people to be alone to- 
gether. {Re-enter Jed. 7i.'ith a stuffed parrot in a cage. Gives 
it a place out of sight of Bernice and Prentiss.) 

P. That seems no more impossible than — 

Jed. Ahem ! Air you younguns afeard ter be left yher 
alone ? Kase ef ye air, I mought stay with ye ef ye want me to 
real bad, though I'm powerful hungry; hungry enough thet I 
wouldn't refuse a dish uv soap bubbles. 

P. Miss Craincross thinks we cannot be alone so long as 
we're together. 

Jed. So long, eh ? Wall, I'll take the hint ; but don't hev 
too much ter say ter her about the detective's art {Starting 
off,), no, nor the detective's heart. {Exits laughing loudly.) 

Ber. If uncle weren't allowed to joke, he'd soon ignite — 

P. His pipe and smoke. 

Ber. Why, sir, you take the words right out of my mouth 
to make rhyme of them. 

P. Charming language should be the sequence of such 
charming origin. 

Ber. I fear you are a causationist. 

P. Your fears are unfounded. I'm a protectionist. 

Ber. In what sense ? 

P. In dollars and cents. I protect the property as well as 
the rights of citizens by bringing rogues to justice. 

Ber. Then why don't you bring to justice these rogues 
who have so monstrously plotted against my brother ? 

?, Lack of time and proper incentive. Had I encourage- 



JEDEDTAH JUDKINS, J. P. 5I 

ment from you that your brother's complete vindication 
through my efforts would awaken in your heart one throb of 
affection for me, I'd consecrate myself to the work, and give 
myself no rest until I succeeded. 

Ber. Now you are doing just what uncle advised you not 
to do, talking about a detective's heart. 

P. No, it's your heart I am talking about. 

Ber. Then you have no heart in it. 

P. I would have if you would give me three words of en- 
couragement. 

Ber. What three words ? 

P, I love you. 

Parrot. "Rats! Rats!" (Some one behind scenes to call 
out the parrot's 7C'onls, in a very shrill voice. Both start, look 
round in surprise, then compose themselve's.) 

Ber. It's impossible to love one just because he does you 
a service. We love those on whom we bestow favors, not 
those who bestow favors on us. Now, if I were to save your 
life, establish your brother's innocence, or something of that 
sort, I might soon learn to love you. 

P. I never thought of it in that light before. 

Ber. That is why the mother loves her child, though it does 
nothing for her, more than she does her parents who have 
. done, and still may be doing so much for her. The weaker 
and more helpless the child, the stronger the affection. 

P. Well, I concede you make a good point there. Just do 
me the favor — to love me. 

Ber. Then you're convinced that love is one thing, and 
gratitude for service is another. 

P. Candidly, I never had a thought to the contrary. My 
hope has been that doing you a service might awaken a favor- 
able interest that would make desirable a more intimate ac- 
quaintance that miight lead to a stronger attachment — 

Ber. " That stood in the house that Jack built." {Laugh- 
ing.^ But seriously, if I should acknowledge that a favorable 
interest is already awakened — 



52 JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 

P. {Seizing her hand rapturously^ You would make me 
the happiest man in the wide world. 

Ber. Then be the happiest man in the wide world. 

Parrot. Give us a rest ! 

P. {Springing up, angry.) Where is the insulting rascal .'' 

Parrot. "Rascal ! Rascal !" 

Ber. discovers the cage and laughingly holds it up to view. 
Enter John, Mrs. C, Esther aitd Jed., the latter laughing 
loudly. 

Parrot. "How are ye do ?" 

Jed. {To P.) Ye waren't in no disguise, so I didn't break 
my promise not ter give ye away. 'Low I'm privliged ter 
keep a parrot {taking cage) seein' I guv my note fer an inter- 
est in the bird business. Ter be kind ter birds is a great 
credit ter any one — 

Parrot. In my position. (Slow curtain.) 

Parrot. {As curtain descends.) "Pull down the blind !" 

End of Act III. 



ACT IV. 

SCENE I. Miner's hut in the mountains. Practicable door and 
window at back. Three or four stools, a bunk or cot at back 
covered with a buffalo skin. Rude table near C. Two or 
three guns in cor7icr. All in this scene dressed in miner s cos- 
tume; blue or red flannel shirts, trousers in big boots; plenty of 
revolvers; long hair and heavy beards. Curtain rising discov- 
ers Herb, sitting at table 7vriting. 

Herb. {Stops turiting.) Eighteen wretched tedious months 
since the hum of the great city died out of my existence. 
One might as well be dead as to be an outcast from home and 
friends, and the ones he loves better than his own life. Dear 
little girl, 1 wonder if she longs to see me as I do to see her! 
I seem no nearer the goal of my hopes than I was a year ago; 



JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 53 

but Still hope is not quite dead. Hope, the blessed daystar of 
our existence, lifting us out of the slough, to-day, up to the 
summit gilded mount, to-morrow! 

Go back I must not till wealth is mine; wealth, that mighty 
lever by which prison bars are broken like the frame of a 
miner's hut by the avalanche; the mighty lever of resistance 
by which even the slow march of so-called legal justice is im- 
peded; too often completely stayed. 

Yes, I must have wealth or the fickle goddess, Justice, will 
never come to my long waiting arms. Wealth, or die under an 
assumed name, a blot upon the fair name of Herbert Crain- 
cross. 'Tis humiliating, indeed, to feel that justice comes 
from the bottom of a long purse. {Loud rap at door?) Come 
{^picking up revolver from table. Enter D. C). 

D. C. 'Evening, sir. I've lost my way, an' also my pard, 
an' bein' the redskins are on the rampage over the range, I'd 
like ter stop here until light. 

Herb. What might yer name be, an' whar d'ye hail from ? 

D. C. Dick Sargent's my name, but they call me "Crackey" 
'cause I kin shoot some. My last hole was in Black Man's 
Gulch. 

Herb. Set down an' rest yer bones. {Lays down revolver^) 

D. C. What's 7^r name ? {Looking at him knowingly.) 

Herb. Bert Crosby, but they call me " Dickey," short for 
dictionary, as I tell them the meanin' of words. 

D. C. Hadn't ye heerd 'bout the redskin scare ? 

Herb. Not a word. 

D. C. They're playin' hob with the boys down the valley a 
few miles. 

Herb. Why don't the boys go prospectin' for scalps ? 
{Rapping at door.) Come. {Enter Prentiss as aft Lrishman, 
leading by arm Jed. as an unfortunate, blind., deaf and dumb.) 

P. Good avenin', byes. Would ye be afther givin' two poor 
divils shilter fur thay noit ? 

Herb. Bet yer life, Pat. My latch-string is always out. 
(P. seats Jed. toward back near bunk and then sits at L.) 



54 JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 

D. C. Hills seem ter be full of tramps ter night. I jest 
now found shelter here, and my pard, Bill Bank, is out yit 
somewhar in the mountain. 

P. Bill Bank! That's a foin name. Ef oi hed thet name 
oi'd turn it hind side afore, sthamp some big figgers on it, 
lave these blarsted diggins, go back ter the States an' live in 
luxury an' aze. 

Herb. You and your pard don't seem to hev rolled in lux- 
ury much of late. What's the matter of him ! 

P. He's under a cloud, so to spake. Deef, bloind and 
spachless. 

Herb. Terrible ! How did he come to be in that con- 
dition ? 

P. Doan' know how he came to be deaf and spachless. He 
was thot way the fust toim he iver spoke ter me. Me an' him 
wuz a workin' in a hole one day an' his kane oi saw the dirt 
givin' away above me hid. He cot me by the ahrum and 
jerked me outen the way, but his fut slipped an' he fell under 
the dirt himself an' when we got him out he wuz ez bloind ez 
the rock thet hed nearly crushed the loif oughten him. 

D. C. Ye orter take good care of him. 

P. Oi do. Oi protict him froom all harrum uv all koinds. 

Herb. Takin' him to the States to hev him treated ? 

P. Bliss yez sowl, oi'd hev him treated this blissed minnit 
ef oj hed a drap o the rale owld sthuff to trate him with. (D. 
C. pulls out whisky flask a?id passes it to P.) 

P. Here's hopin' ye'll live to pick strawberries offen yer 
own grave. {About to drink, stops and looks at the bottle.) Is 
this thray min whisky ? 

Herb. What do you mean ? 

P. The koind thet nades thray min; one to take it, one to 
giv it, an' one to howld the one thet takes it. ( Jed. oblivious, 
the others laugh. P. tastes the whisky and smacks his lips). 
Thet's the one man koind. 

D. C. Yer pard hasn't been treated yit. 



JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 55 

P. Didn't oi till yez oi protict him from harrum uv all koinds ? 
If yez hed presinted me with a glass of limonade or aven a 
bottle of ager cure instid uv thispizen, wouldn't oi hev treated 
him illigently ? 

D. C. He'll feel hurt ef ye don't give him any. 
P. One uv the blissins of misfortin. He wont suspect 
there's any tanglefut about ef oi kape it away from his nose 
an' mouth. 

D. C. I say, Pat— 

P. Dinnis ef yez please. 

D. C. I say, Dinnis ef yez plaze, ye'd better give him a 
taste, seein' a taste is his main holt. (P. steps up suddefily and 
thrusts bottle to Jed's mouth. Jed. jerks back his head and 
makes a wry face.) 

P. [Stepping back to extreme L?) He doesn't loik it. {Holds 
bottle in air as if about to drink again. D. C. suddenly draws 
revolver and shoots bottle?) [Note. Directions for performing 
this will be found in front.\ 

P. {Holding up neck of bottle.') Whoop! Look a' thet now ! 
Nick er nothin'. Who'd a tho't she was loaded! (D. C. and 
Herb, laugh. Takes in the situation?) Thot's rickliss. Yez 
shootin' iron might hev exploded and killed yez. 

D. C. {Getting up and extending hand to P.) "Dinnis ef yez 
plaze," you're a brick; an out and out red brick, clear grit 
all through. 

Herb. He's as gritty as — as — an Irishman. 

P. Thanks, gintlemen. {Picking pieces of glass out of 
sleeve.) Ef thayre's onything in this wurruld thet ought ter be 
gritty, it's a brick shot full uv glass. 

Herb. Mr. "Dinnis ef yez plaze," I'm quite interested in 
you. What's yer name ? 

P. Dinnis O'Shaughnessey. 

Herb. Oh-shaw-no-say, that's too much. What's yer real 
name ? 

P. Thot's not a fayer quistion in the mines. Sposin' we 



56 JEUEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 

all hed ter give our ginooine names ! The saints presarve 
us! 

D. C. {Looking sharply at Herb.) That,s wot's the mat- 
ter; wot's the oldun's handle ? 

P. Down in Broadcloth Gulch he hed the hebit, afther his 
hurt, uv cravvlin' roun' on his hands and knees diggin' up the 
groun' wid his fingers, an' as he seemed ter want the 'arth 
they called him Jay Gould. 

Herb. Just like the boys. {Shots heard at distance. All but 
Jed. spring up.) 

D. C. Scalp lifters, by the eternal I [Looks out of windo^o 
at back. Herb, and P. get guns and revolvers ready.) Man 
comin' down the gulch on a keen jump. He's chased, an' 
headin' this way. [Shot heard at distance.) There, he's down; 
now he's up agin. (P. and Herb, hurrying.) 

P. Hope the owld man'll kape quiet. 

Herb. [To D. C.) You stay at the window, and you, 
Dennis, stand at the door ready to keep them back, and I'll 
help the man in. [J^ushes out.) 

P. [Admiringly.) Thot chap don't fear the owld Nick 
himself. [Takes aim and fires.) Thar's one uv 'em thet'll 
niver git his fingers in me auburn locks. Thare's a foin 
chance fer some uv yez crack shootin', misther. 

D. C. [Firing.) He seems hurt bad. 

H. Blaze away at 'em an' oi'll help git the wounded man in. 
[Exits. Business of getting the man in.) 

D. C. Is that you. Bill ? [Hurrying to him.) 

Hardin. [Faintly, holding hand to side.) Yes, pard, I'm 
done for. ( They place him on the cot. D. C. kneels at side, 
Herb, ami V. at door.) 

Herb. There's only a small band of 'em. I think they're 
pretty well used up. 

P. So's the man in the bunk. 

Herb. Let's slip out and reconnoiter. (Herb. a>id P. 
exit.) 



JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 57 

D. C. {Trying to stop the blood.) Do ye know who helped 
ye in ? 

Harfmn. No. 

D. C. It's him, the young engraver wot we helped ter 
ruin. 

Hardin. [Pointing toivard Jed.) Not so loud. 

D. C. Deaf, dumb an' blind. 

Hardin. Are ye sure it's the one ye think ? 

D. C. Course, knew him the minute I set my peepers on 
him. 

Hardin. I must see him before I pass in my checks. 

D. C. Don't talk about passin' in yer checks. Ye're good 
far fifty year yet. 

Hardin. {Groans.) I tell you I must see him. 

D. C. He's gone ter drive the Injins off. 

Hardin. \'\\ die before he gets back. [Takes out a paper. 
Speaks with great difficulty^ There's a written confession. I 
made it out so as to fix the blame of that sCrape where it be- 
longs. All it needs is my signature. For heaven sake let me 
sign it. I'll make a little amends to him. He tried to save 
my life by risking his own. I'll give him my claim. 

D. C. Shoot the confession. Keep mum an' ye'll be all 
right in a few days. 

Hardin. Oh, God, do you refuse a dying man's last re- 
quest. Just to protect yourself ! And get a rich claim ! 

D. C. [Turning aiuay from cot.) Curse the paper. I'll 
tear the infernal telltale thing to bits. (Jed. springs up, 
snatches paper., throivs D. C. to floor and disarms him., gives 
paper., pen and ink to Hardin, holding D. C. on floor tvith knee.) 

Jed. Don't wiggle or I'll flatten yer out. Laws, I 'low I 
ain't been deef an' blind all these months fer nothin'. (Har- 
din writes.) Do you solemnly swear thet this is the truth? 

Hardin. I swear it. (Enter Herb, and P. Astonished 
at the situation?) 

P. Huzza ! The rids are riddled. [Recognitions.) 



58 JEDEDIAH JUDKTXS, J. P. 

Jed. An' the riddle is solved. [Releases D. C. who exits, 
hasiily.) Here's a confession. [Loaki/ii:^ it over.) It proves 
yer innercence, my lad. [Shakes hands with Herb. Herb. 
goes to bunk.) 

Hardin. Forgive me; I've tried to make amends. Oh, if 
I had my life to live over again! {Gasps. Herb, lifts his head 
and shoulders upon his arm.) 

Herb. I forgive you. 

Hardin reaches out his hand to Jed. who takes it. Kneels 
near cot. Hardin mutters incoherently, gasps and sinks back 
dead. P. stands near ivith handkerchief to his eyes. Jed. and 
Herb, still kneel beside the cot. Slow- curtain. 

End of Scene \. 

SCENE 2. Same as \Ci i. A well furnished parlor 7nay be 

used instead. Characters all 7vell dressed. Esther <;//^/ Mr. 

WiNDUM seated, when curtain rises. 

W. [Twirling moustache.) And are you still undecided, 
Miss Goldfair ? 

Esther. Undecided? Concerning what ? 

W. How can you be so cruel as to ask, when you know 
that, my love for you is my all absorbing theme of thought. 

Esther. Oh, pardon my abstraction. 

W. May I ask the occasion of it ? 

Esther. The occasion is the occurrences of a year and a 
half ago. 

W. And what occurred then? 

Esther. Have you forgotten ? Of course it did not make 
the same impression upon you that it did upon me. Herbert 
escaped at that time. 

W. Haven't you given him up yet? 

Esther. By no means. 

W. Listen to reason, Miss Goldfair. Herbert Craincross is 
an outcast from society, a fugitive from justice ; and should 
his innocence ever be established from a legal point of view, 



JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 59 

his name has suffered an ineffaceable blot. At best he can 
offer you but an unenviable place in society. He will always 
be an underling. Besides, he cannot care much for you or you 
would long ago have heard from him. 

Esther. I shouldn't be obliged to publish it in the papers 
if I had. 

W. I offer you wealth, a refined home, a position in society, 
the opportunity to go abroad, and to enjoy life in those diver- 
sified ways afforded only by wealth and leisure. Only say you 
will be mine. 

Esther. Would you wish to have a wife who each day 
when the bells ring out the hour of twelve, as well as at many 
other times, sends up a prayer for another man's safety and 
happiness ? (Enter Jed. ai back.) 

W. You would soon forget that when you had promised to 
be another's. 

Jed. [Coming down.) Thar's whar yer way off, old hoss. 
[Shaking hands with Esther.) When these gals gits thar 
minds fixed on a feller they stick ter him like a sickish dude 
ter a cigarette. Hed heaps o' chances ter notice thet in my 
position. Justice of the Peace. 

W. {Rising angrily.) I'm not inclined to submit without 
protest to being called an "old hoss." 

Jed. All right, young hoss, I kin prove my thery. Keep 
yer eye peeled, young hoss, an' notice wot ye observe an' re- 
member wot ye recollect. {Calling off.) Come in, friends. 
(Enter Herb, and Prentiss at back and Bernice at R. 
Esther springs up with a cry of joy and rushes into Herbert's 
arms. Business of handshakings and salutations. Enter John 
«!//^/ Mrs. C. More of the same.) 

Jed. {To W. who has been standing with folded arms at ex- 
treme L.) Wot yer think now, young hoss, about stickin' 
tight ? 

W. {To Esther sarcastically.) I'll not intrude longer upon 
this happy reunion. 



6o JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 

Jed. Oh yes ye will, young boss, we can't excuse ye jest 
yet, nowhow. Got some interestin' readin' fer ye ter hear. 
Pard, fire off the bomb thet'U knock the spots offen a cantan- 
kerous hypercrit. 

Prentiss. {^Taking out paper. ^ I am about to read the 
last will and testament of Alexander Hardin. 

[Reads.) The uiidersigned, though a " crook," has never but 
once allowed himself to be the tool of a designing villain. 

The burglarizing of the store of Windum &l Tick was done 
by Windum himself. He drugged the engraver and did the 
deed. (\V. starts toward the door., but Jed. prevents his going.) 

Jed. [Presenting revolver?) " Don't ye go, Wmdum, don't 
go." We shoot first an' explain artervvard up in the mountings. 
Read on, pard. 

P. [Reading.) Windum paid me a thousand dollars to put 
some of the plunder in the young man's room, also the paper 
with the signatures. The same genteel rogue brought the re- 
volvers to the station to help us out. 

John. Orribly hinfamous. 

P. [Reads.) Windum is a first-class fraud. He and all 
like him are way below a squaretoed highwayman who doesn't 
profess to.be anything but a rascal. 

P. S. — I hereby give my entire and exclusive right in Silver 
Summit Lead to Herbert Craincross. 

Alexander Hardin. 

W. ( With the greatest confidence?) Now look here, people 
Use your reason to determine whether or not this is at all 
probable. Isn't my word as good as that of a desperado who 
no doubt did the deed and now seeks to lay the blame upon 
me ? That is too barefaced for belief by sensible people. 

Jed. Them are the words of a dyin' man, a man now dead. 
He couldn't hev no motive in hidin' the truth. 

Ber. We have other testimony concerning the matter. 
Our old servant, Sally, is prepared to take oath that she knew 
of the presence of Hardin in the house when he left Mr. 



JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 6l 

Windum's decoy here, but was terrified into silence by a threat 
that her life should pay the penalty if she should divulge the 
knowledge. All this I learned from her only to-day. 

Jed. Brayvo ! Our young detective is comin' out strong ! 

Ber. There's something else, uncle. Your note has come 
to light through the same channel. [Holding up the note. All 
gather around except W., isjho sidles up to door and exits unob- 
served.') 

Jed. Gewhittaker crickets ! 

Ber. The cabman who drove Miss Bobbin to the train 
picked it up and after several days gave it to his cousin, our 
old servant. That was too late for her to give it to you, and 
she laid it aside. Her insanity coming on, she could tell noth- 
ing about it until she became rational, which was very recently. 

Jed. Laws ! Wonder the cabman give it up. Who ever 
knowed before of a cabman givin' up anythin' of promise. 

Ber. The cabman didn't think it worth much, as he saw 
Miss Bobbin take it from her bag, look at it, and throw it on 
the floor of the cab. 

Jed. Yer don't say so ! They's a lot of foolishness about 
thet cantankerous critter, anyhow. I 'low the Poseyville Bank 
ud snap arter thet bit o' paper like a king bird arter a honey 
bee. [Takes paper?) 

Ber. Come, now, uncle, I'd hate to offer you a hundred 
dollars for it myself. 

Jed. Yer jokin'! 

BeR. Read the signature. 

Jed. [Holding it off from eyes to read.) Jedediah Jackson. 
[Bursts into a loud laugh, in which others Join:) 

Mrs, C. Doesn't that beat everything ! 

John. She beat 'erself. 

Herb. Didn't give you time to finish your little signature, 
eh, uncle ? Well, just be a trifle careful in future. As one of 
the principal stockholders in the Silver Summit Lead, your 
name to the business end of a large I. O. U. will make it 
valuable. 



62 JEDEDIAH JUDKINS, J. P. 

John. Hif signed in hits hentirety. 

Jed. I'll cash this in its entirety for charitable purposes, 
and our young detective, Miss Bernice, shall be commissioned 
ter dispense it as her kind heart dictates. But whar's our 
high-flyer? [Looking around.) 

John. 'E seems to av habsquatulated. 

Jed, Wall, it's all right, as thar's a blue coat with a big 
Irishman in it at the door, an' a patrol wagon ter give him a 
free ride ter the station. We didn't come onprepared. 

John. An' av you hall struck hit rich hup there ? 

Jed. We hev an' no mistake. Every cloud hes its silver 
linin' an' we've found the linin' ter this one. 

P. [Coming dozen loith Ber.) And I have been doubly 
blessed in my good fortune. One of the proprietors of " Sil- 
ver Summit " and a lasting interest in a mine of pure gold. 
[Looking proudly at Ber.) 

Jed. But not a controllin' interest. 

Herb. [Coming forward zvith Esther.) I think / have 
the interest in the mine of pure gold. Miss Goldfair. [As 
if ifitroducing her. ) 

Jed. I 'low your cloud seems ter hev a "-^A/ linin'. Wall, 
it gladdens my eyes ter see young folks parin' off fer matri- 
mony. Lor, it's nateral an' it's right, an' // orter be encouraged 
by every one in my position. 

Curtain. 

Positions at Close. 

John, Mrs. C, Herb., Esther, Jed., Ber., Prentiss. 



NOTHING BEHER 



THAN THE 

RECITATION SERIES, 



A bouquet of choice thoughts to tickle the fancy. 
CONTENTS OF No. 4. Price 25 Cents. 

A Tribute to Grant, Eloquent liez'. H. D. "jenkins 

The Joshua of 1776, Fine Description 

The Latest Barbara Fnetchie, Comic 

'< Leadvilie Jim " W. W. Fhik 

Jerry, Pathetic Mary L. Dickinson 

The Wee, Wee Bairnie, Pathetic 

The Mutilated Currency Question, Humorous Brooklyn Eagle 

Memory, Poem "James A. Garfield 

How a SonsT Saved a Soul ... F. L. Stanton 

A Decoration Day Address Rexy. H, Stone Richardson 

Mr. Hoffenstein's Bug^le, Very Funny 

What the Robin Can Tell 

Marv's Night Ride, Vivid Description G. W. Cable 

Mr. Hopwell's Theory of Suppressing- a Fire, Humorous Detroit Free Press 

A Model Summer Hotel, Humorous Traveler's Record 

Pat and the Oysters, Humorous 

Family Government, Apt Illustration //. W. Beecher 

The Heroes and the Flowers, Beautiful Description B. F. Taylor 

Expecting- to Get Even Boston Post 

Driving a Hen, Humorous Mobile Register 

A Retrospective, " Old Settlers" , 

Where are the Wicked Folks Buried ? Truth Seeker 

Romance of a Hat, Humorous Harfrr's Magazine 

Forever, Sentimental Jolm Boyle O'Reilly 

Courtship Fair and Square = 

Every Year, Didactic Hon. James Covert 

Temperance Song Recital Mrs. P.D.Brown 

Strangely Related 

Kit, or Faithful Unto De.ath, Pathetic 

Sam's Letter, Very Funny Our American Cousin 

Kindness Chas. R. Barrett 

A Tribute to Longfellow F. N. Zubriskie 

Civil War, Tragic 

Petah, Comic 

Drmking a Tear 

The Married Man and the Bachelor 

The V-A-S-E N. Y. Independent 

The Battle of Mission Ridge, Stirring Descriiition Benj. F. Taylor 

Heroic Medley Herman Page 

A Christmas Carmen J- G. Whittier 

The Girl in Gray Willis Merritt 

An Easter-Tide Deliverance Maria H. Biilfinch 

Fading George How I and 

AureliTi's Ijnf ortunate Young Man, Humorous Mark Tvjain 

Fritz and His Betsy Fall Out, Humorous George M. Warren 

Help Me Across, Papa, Pathetic Exchange 

Mr. Dii^dent's Speech 

Scene from Leah the Forsaken, Dramatic 

A Railroad Car Scene •.••■ 

Death of Little Hackett, Pathetic. ... T. S. Denison 

Farmer Stebbins' Appearance on Rollers Will CarUton m Harper's Weekly 

An Untimely Call N.Y.Sun 

He Guessed He'd Fight, Comic 

Only Five Minutes to Live Arkansaw Traveler 

Calling the Angels In •.••• V "wV ' ; ',■ 

Calil->^'- Fifty- Four Wilt Carleton, tn Harper's W eekly 

Mother's Doughnuts '..'. Charles E. Adams 

The Prospects of the Republic; Or.ation Edjvard Everett 

Intensely Utter, Humorous -Albany Chronicle 

Napoledn Bonaparte Charles P. Phillips 

Autum n Thoughts, Humorous • • • Bill Nye 

A Christmas Song • • V father Ryan 

The Frowrard Duster ..R&i^. J. Biirdett* 



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Nuggets from the Mines of Imagination. 



CONTENTS OF No. 5. Price 25 Cents. 

A. Nameless Hero E. M. Traquair 

xvlark Twain's Mining Story S. L. Clemens 

A Culprit Margaret Vandergrift 

The Friar's Christmas H. G. Blake 

For the Chief 's Daug^hter 

Burdock's Music Box 

Eulogy on OConnell Wm. H. Seward 

Agnes, 1 Love Thee 

Neighbors 

Jerusalem by Moonlight , B. .Disraeli 

Purpose Charles R. Barrett 

The Chariot Race Geii. Leiu Wallace 

Birth of the Rainbow T. S. Deuisoti 

Tom's Little Star Fanny Foster 

Unwritten Poems 

Emancipation of Man Burlington Hawkey e 

Christine T.B. Read 

How I Tended the Baby 

Battle of the Cowpens Thomas Dunn Englis.i 

Nebuchadnezzar Irxvin Russell 

Universal Education Robert C. Winthrop 

Temperance Lesson — Just Twenty one 

Pal's Reason Brooklyn Eagle 

Defence of Hofer 

Thet Boy of Ourn Jere DeBrozun 

Hannibal's Address E. M. i>vjan 

She Referred Him to Her Pa Somerville "Journal 

Patriotism T. F. Meagher 

Winnie's Welcome 

Speech of Patrick Henry 

My First Pantaloons Wm. B. Ro.<:e 

Peaceable St cession Daniel Webster 

Pharisee and Sadducee 

A Soldier Tramp 

Domestic Economy Danhury News 

The Flying Dutchman J. Boyle O'Reilly 

Une Robe Angelique Wilhs Merrttt 

A Frontier Bridal — Almost a Tragedy Michael Lynch 

The Origin of Scandal The Argonaut 

The Unknown Speaker 

Decoration Day Poem — "Memorial Day " Wm. Henry Little 

Little Charlie's Big Story Springfield {Mass.) Republican 

The Donkey's Dream 

Startling Revelations Bos/on Globe 

" There is a Spiritual Body" Rer. Milan C. Ay res 

Praying for Papa .... 

Minding the Hens F. W. Lorin^ 

Der Shpider Und Der Fly Chas. F. Adains 

One Thing He Forgot Hodge in Puck 

Curly-Head B. S. Brooks 

Jimniie's Prayer Boston Transcript 

He Gave Him a Start 

Shall America Betray Herself? "joseph Story 

Kiss Deferred, The 

If I Were a Boy Again Bill Nye 

The Rustle of a Wing Consider B. Carter 

Light over the Range 

Grady's Great Speech, "The New South" H. W. Grady 

The Oak and the Vine , , 



THE ETHIOPIAN DRAMA. 

Price, IS els. each, post-paid. 

These plays are all short, and very funny. Nothing poor in the list. They 
serve admirably to give variety to a programme. The female characters may be 
assumed by males in most cases. Where something thoroughly comical, but 
unobjectionable is wanted, they are just the thing. 

STAGE STRUCK DAJtKT. 

A very funny " take-off" on tragedy; 2 male, i female. Time 10 minutes. 
STOCKS UP— STOCKS DOWy. 

a males; a played-out author and his sympathizing friend; very funny and full 
of " business " and practical jokes. Time 10 minutes. 

DISAF—IN A HOBy. 

a males; negro musician and a deaf pupil. A very interesting question sudden- 
ly enables the latter to hear. Full of first-class " business." Time 8 minutes. 

HAjrDT ANDT. 

a males; master and servant. The old man is petulant and tl^'! servant makes 
all sorts of ludicrous mistakes and misunderstands every order. Very lively in 
action. Time 10 minutes. 

TSE MISCHIEVOUS NIGQEE. 

A farce; 4 males, a females. Characters: The mischievous nigger, old man, 
^ecch barber, Irishman, widow, nurse. Time 20 minutes. 

THE SHAM DOCTOR. 

A ne^ro farce; 4 males, a females. This is a tip-top faree. The "sham doctor" 
can not ful to bring down the house. Time 1% minutes. 

NO CUBE, yO PAT. 

3 males, i female. Doctor Ipecac has a theory that excessive terror will cure 
people who are deaf and dumb. His daughter's lover is mistaken for the patient 
to the terror of all. Only one darky. A capital little piece for schools or parlor. 
Time 10 minutes. 

TRICKS. 

S males, a females. (Only two darkys, i male, i female.) A designing old 
step-father wishes to marry his step-daughter for her money. She and ner lover 
plan an elopement. The old man discovers it and has an ingenious counter-plot— 
which fails completely, to his discomfiture. Time 10 minutes. Suited to parlor 
performance. 

HAUNTED HOUSE, 

a males. A white- washer encounters "spirits" in a house he has agreed ta 
white-wash. Plenty of business. Time 8 minutes. 

THE TWO POMPETS. 

4 males. A challenge to a duel is worked up in a very iunny way. Time 
B minutes. 

AN UNHAPPY PAIR. 

3 males, and males for a band. Two hungry niggers strike the rnusician' 
for a square meal. Good for school or parlor, and very funny. Time 10 mluuicB. 



iih',^!?.'*? ^ O"" CONGRESS 



^— 016 102 458 2 

Any Play on this List 1 5 Cts. Postpaid. Catalogues Free. 



Plays by T. S. DENISON. 

ODDS WITH THE ENEMY. 

A drai.ia in five acts; 7 mnle and 4 fe- 
m:ile characters. Time, 2 liours. 

SETH GREENBACK. 

A drama in four acts; 7 male and 3 fe- 
male. Time, 1 hour 15 m. 

INITIATING A GRANGER. 

A ludicrous farce ; S male. Time, 25 m. 

TWO GHOSTS IN WHITE. 

A humorous farce based on boarding- 
school life ; 7 female characters. Time, 
25 ni. 

THE ASSESSOR. 
A humorous sketch; 3 male and 2 fe- 
male. Time, ig m. 

BORROWING TROUBLE. 
A ludicrous farce; 3 male and S fe- 
male. Time, 30 m. 

COUNTRY JUSTICE. 
A very amusing- country la^v suit; S 
male characters. (May admit 14.) Time, 

>S '"• 

THE PULL-BACK. 

A laughable farce; 6 female. Time, 
20 inin. 

HANS VON SMASH. 

A roaring farce in a prologue and one 
act; 4 male and 3 female. Time, 30 m. 

OUR COUNTRY. 

A patriotic drama in three parts. Re- 
quires 9 male, 3 female, (Admits 9 male 
i^ female.) Four fine tableaux. Time, 
about I hour. 

THE SCHOOL MA'AM, 

A briliant comedy in four acts; 6 male, 
5 female. Time, i hour 45 n.in. 

THE IRISH LINEN PEDDLER. 

A lively farce ; 3 male, 3 female. Time, 
45 m. 

THE KANSAS IMMIGRANTS; Or, the 

Great Exodus. 
A roaring farce; 5 male, i female. 
Time, 30 m. 

TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING. 

A splendid farce; 3 male, 6 female. 
Time, 45 m. 

IS THE EDITOR IN? 

A farce; 4 male and 2 female. 

AN ONLY DAUGHTER. 

A drama in three acts ; S male and 2 
female. Time, i hour 15 m. 

PETS OF SOCIETY. 

A farce in high life; 7 females. Time, 
30 m. 



HARD CIDER. 

A very amusing temperance sketch ; 4 
male, 2 female. Time, 20 m. 

LOUVA, THE PAUPER. 

A drama in five acts ; 9 male and 4 fe- 
male chamcters. Time, i hour 45 m. 

UNDER THE UURELS. 

A drama in five acts; a stirring play, 
fully equal to Louva the Pauper. Five 
male, 4 feirale. Time, i hour 45 m. 

THE SPARKLING CUP. 

A temperance drama in five acts; 12 
male and 4 female. 



Playa by H. EUio tt MoBride. 

ON THE BRINK. 

A temperance drama in two acts; 12 
male, 3 female. Time, i hour 45 111. 

A BAD JOB. 

A farce; 3 male, 2 female. Time, 30 m. 

PLAYED AND LOST. 

A sketch; 3 male, 2 female. Time, 
20 m. 

MY JEREMIAH. 

A farce ; 3 male, 2 female. Time, 25 m- 

LUCY'S OLD MAN. 

A sketch; 2 male, 3 female. Time, 20 
m. 
THE COW THAT KICKED CHICAGO. 

A farce; 3 male, 2 female. Time, 25 m. 

I'LL STAY AWHILE. 

A farce; 4 male. Time, 25 m. 



THE FRIDAY AFTERNOON DIALOGUES, 

Short and lively. For boys and girls. 
— Price 26 cts. 

FRIDAY AFTERNOON SPEAKER" 

A choice collection. Three parts: for 
little folks, for older boys and girls, short 
pithy dialogues. — Price 26 cts. 

SCRAP BOOK READINGS. 

Latest and best pieces. — Price per No. 
(paper cover) 26 cts. 

WORK AND PLAY. 

BY MARY J. JACqUES. 

A gem for the little folks. This is a 
book of both instruction and amusement. 
Part I consists of a large vj-iety of very 
easy progressive exercises in letters, 
numbers, objects, geography, language, 
animated nature, motion, songs, etc. 
Part II consists of dialogues, charades, 
pantomimes, etc. all original.— Price, 
i n Manilla boards, post paid, go cts. 



T. S. DENISON, Publisher, CHICAGO. 



